The Least Desirable Sex Toys of 2017

2017 was a great year for sex toy sales. The sex toy industry broke every record in the books and rose to an all-time high in sales, beating out and beating off every previous year in recorded history. Sure, maybe some time back in the cavemen days more sex toys were moved than in 2017, but we had no way of recording such things due to the fact that those cavemen were probably all way too busy cranking it to write anything down. Most people don’t know that sex toys were actually very big back in the caveman days. Interestingly, the wheel was invented after a caveman’s cock ring fell off and rolled down a hill. This gave the cavemen an awesome idea to use giant cock rings for transportation instead of trying to put them on wooly mammoth dicks. Trying to get a cock ring on a wooly mammoth is a deadly and dangerous task that killed many a caveman, but it got even worse once the cavemen were actually successful in slipping the wooly mammoth’s cock ring on. A horny wooly mammoth is a terrifying beast.


Anyway, enough of the history lesson. 2017 was a record breaking year for sex toy sales. and if you don’t believe me then just take a peek inside my closet! It’s stuffed to the brim! You couldn’t fit another toy into my closet if you shoved as hard as you can! (I call my butt my closet.)

However, not all sex toys were flying off the shelves and into horny customers’ orifices. In fact, some just didn’t seem to sell at all. The sex toy industry is ever evolving and while there are some hits, there are definitely some misses, too.


These are the least desirable sex toys of 2017.


Eugene Levy’s Fist

Eugene Levy is known for a lot of things, but the sex appeal of his fists is not one of them. However, that did not stop this sex toy company from making an exact replica of Eugene Levy’s fist to stuff where you please. This probably didn’t sell due to the fact that Eugene Levy is one of the hairiest men on Planet Earth and no one wants to get his body hair lodged inside of them. I love Eugene Levy as a comedic actor, but not as a sensual fister.


The Shiatsu Pocket Pussy

This product was available at Brookstone all year long until the people at the top finally realized that not every man wants their penis to get a shiatsu massage while having sex. In fact, most men don’t hold any tension in their penis from stress whatsoever so a vigorous rubdown is not exactly what they’re looking for. If anything, if your penis is hard it is a good thing and really trying to work it out with some strong, mechanical fingers is not the right thing to do.


Eggible Underwear

The eggible underwear took after the edible thong craze and combined it with Taco Bell’s naked egg taco. The naked egg taco formed an egg into a taco shell and then filled it up with taco fillings. The eggible underwear is the same thing, except the egg has been formed into underwear for a man or woman to wear, and their loving partner can chew it off. This is more of a breakfast version of edible underwear. One you can eat on the way to work.

However, this one lead to too many grease burns on lover’s erotic zones and quickly the sales took a huge dip.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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