The Least Significant Awards of All Time

Gage Hensley, contributor


Awards are given to honor people’s achievements and express how much society appreciates the time and effort individuals have given to make a change. Unfortunately, not all praise is necessary. Here below are a few examples of acknowledgment being taken too far.

  1. The “I’m Vegan and Better Than Everyone” Award:  This award is given to anyone who has this minor lifestyle change and experienced a wave of superiority almost instantly. Although not required at all, this person feels the need to wrap their entire life around this new diet and make sure everyone knows it. From bringing it up in every other sentence to spamming all social media with meals and animal abuse videos, being vegan seems to become their personality to replace place the one he/she never had in the first place.
  1. The “I’ve Could’ve Said ____, But Didn’t” Award: This award is given to anyone who refrains from saying something in an argument that may be too hurtful. Although at first being mature gesture, the saint inevitably brings it up everytime he/she describes the argument and never forgets to mention the mercy they showed.

 3.The “When I Was Your Age” Award: This award is given to any adult who accurately describes what they had achieved when they were the same age as the younger person being scolded. In these comparison, the times are always harder and the accomplishments are always bigger and better. The fact that cost of living has more than doubled and yet wages have barely increased never seem to surface, but that’s besides the point.



4.The “Horoscope” Award: This is awarded to the spiritual beings that are in touch with their chakras. This Guru is very informed on their signs and conveniently bases things on destiny when they mess up. When Greg is being a dick, he can’t be blamed, for he is a Taurus. Unless Mercury is in retrograde, Susan can’t seem to be financially stable and pay in anything but crystal jewelry. If you’re lucky to run into these Shamans, they may be willing tie your future loosely to any insignificant fact that happens to anyone on a daily basis! 

5.The “I Was Going Text You” Award: This is given to the honest and reliable individual who was just about to text about the thing you talked about a while ago. Good thing to, seeing how you two rarely see each other and they would have little pressure to come through unless an accidental meeting occurred. If this person didn’t see you just now, there was a 100% chance they were going to hit you up soon anyways.


Each member is awarded a back scratcher with flattened out fingers to pat themselves on the back.









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