Lend Me an Ear

Spencer DeVine, contributor

Van Gogh was no doubt one of the greatest artistic minds of all time, while also being real real nutty. Despite his art though we all know what he’s famous for, yes that’s correct reader, Van Gogh supposedly cut off his own ear and sent it to his lover. Van Gogh was an awful secret Santa. However, by no means was he the only artsy fart in history to lose an ear. Here are some of the recovered records from the 2013 Hoboken Universal Continental Globe Atlas Collection archives cataloging others with the same affliction. All of titles of the works have been pre-translated into an understandable form for the modern English speaker.

Artist: Unidentified Stone Age painter affectionately named Kevin (France-appx. 8,000 b.c.)
Preferred form: cave painting
Most famous work: “Goat Sacrifice En Flambe’”
Method of ear loss: victim of first ever slumber party ear piercing (before Freaky Friday even)

Artist: Het Widn (Egypt, appx 3000 b.c.-2950 b.c.)
Preferred form: hieroglyphics
Most famous work: “Rameses II’s Spectacular Brunch”
Method of ear loss: fell asleep with his ear by a hot fire, before guards cut it off for laziness

Artist: Phidias αυτί (Greece, 491 b.c.-431 b.c.)
Preferred form: architectural design
Most famous work: “Aqueduct Tales (Oo-oo)”
Method of ear loss: caught in a wheel while working pit crew for a chariot race

Artist: Florence Orecchio (Italy, 400 a.d.- 476 a.d.)
Preferred form: sculpture
Most famous work: “Column Resembling Yet Not Representing a Phallus”
Method of ear loss: removed by bookies as “interest” for a bad pottery investment

Artist: 郭 耳 (China, 1100-1190)
Preferred form: landscape painting
Most famous work: garden of my jerk neighbor 克雷格 (Craig)
Method of ear loss: cut off his own ear to toss into neighbor’s yard in a botched spying attempt

Artist: Francis Aurem (England, 1630-1713)
Preferred form: oil painting
Most famous work: “God in an Orange”
Method of ear loss: fisticuffed clean off by a Catholic priest during a riot

Artist: Gustav eyra (Iceland, 1827-1897)
Preferred form: oil painting
Most famous work: “Workers Working at Work”
Method of ear loss: misplaced at a crazy Christmas party and never found again

Artist: Jim Clust (America 1935-2000)
Preferred form: Pop Art
Most famous work: “Sardines in Top Hats”
Method of ear loss: Polio?

Artist: Phil “Ghost” Oor (America, 1988-)
Preferred form: knit caps
Most famous work: “Blue knit cap with a whale on it”
Method of ear loss: got gauges so big his ears legally no longer exist as viable body parts


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