Paul Danke, contributor
Hey gang, Paul Danke here: comedian, father, guy banned from Hey Juan Burritos. You know me and trust me and I don’t mean to spoil everyone’s fun here, but anyone calling you “brothers and sisters” is trying to sell you something.
Oh sure, they may seem “nice” or even like a vast improvement on your actual brothers and sisters, maybe they even bring some kind bud around, but make no mistake, my friend — unless they are your actual brothers or sisters, do NOT trust them. Doubly so if you are a member of a fraternity or sorority (not the Moose Lodge; those guys are legit), because anyone trying to spank you so you can call him brother is NOT your brother.
Step brothers and sisters? Approved to trust (also, how good is the movie Step Brothers?) And don’t give me this whole “we took a blood oath as tweens” bullcrap either with your blah blah blood is thicker than wablah blah, well SAVE IT. You’re getting played, my friend, and p.s. Derek stole your bike and sold it for baseball cards.
Why this very magazine publication, Savage Henry Independent Times! Calling this entire issue Brothers and Sisters! Ohhh ho ho such desperate pandering nonsense and you went for it, didn’t you, suckers? And how much did that moment of belonging cost you at the magazine stand? Hmmmmm? How much money did you throw down on the dirty counter to be called “brothers and sisters” you sentimental thumb sucki-
It’s a free magazine; carry on, sisters and brothers, enjoy the articles and advertisements. And come see me, Paul Danke, at the sixth annual Savage Henry Magazine Comedy Festival. Buy a weekend pass, brothers and sisters, ya cheapskates.