A Letter From A. Broad (Get off your dead ass!)

Dear Myrtle,

I hope this letter finds you (in a rut). If you really like Journey so much I suggest that you take a long walk somewhere far far away all by yourself and figure your shit out. Don’t stop believing that.

My time away from suck-ciety has been everything you can’t imagine it to be. Last week in the Bluff Creek region I ran into Bigfoot, and he was really upset. You see, the girl that he likes, doesn’t even know that he exists. Some people still don’t believe in Bigfoot since they never found a body. Well, now you know why I don’t believe in Jesus. That reminds me, when I’d see that ad on TV that asked the question, “Christian and Single?” I’d always get upset that they wouldn’t be more honest and just be like, “Hey, are you stupid and ugly?” That always hurt me.

Recently at a 2nd hand store I saw a man with a chopped off hand just looking around. I’ve been waiting for this for a very long time. I once knew a man who had spoons for hands. He could really dish it out but he could never take it.

It pisses me off still that in America you can buy half of a watermelon at Whole Foods. It’s a conspiracy. 7-11 was an inside job. I can’t believe that our own government still allows us to read classified ads.

My brother is now a practicing Satanist. That’s good, because he fucking sucks at it. Grandma smokes pot just about every time she cooks. She has a serious weave. Not on her head but on the road. Which will be on her head if she doesn’t stop drinking like that.

When I get back I’m putting a bumper sticker on my TV that says KILL YOUR CAR. My car is tired. That means it has tires. If the world had no more pig pens what would the police write you a ticket with?

One of these days I am going to buy a calendar. I don’t know when, because I don’t have a calendar. Kids born in the year that I graduated high school have now graduated from high school. Well, not all of them. Some died already. I win!

On that note, forget everything I’ve said and get off of your dead ass and see the world, you’ll love it.

And it might make you sick!

Sincerely,

Aleister Broad

P.S. – I can’t stand sitting down.

About Dutch Savage

Dutch Savage is a very private person.

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