Scientists recently made an incredible discovery. While on an archeological dig, they uncovered what they believe to be the very first Friends script ever in existence. This is an incredible find due to the fact that the first Friends script is thought to have been written shortly after the first documented cave paintings. Many people do not know the significance ancient sitcoms had in developing our species into the humans that we are today. Without the help of characters like Ross and Phoebe there is no doubt that humans would be turd-eating slaves of the marsupials. So without further ado, here is a look at the original pilot of the hit sitcom Friends dated 32,000 years before Christ.
INT. CENTRAL PERK – DAY 32,000 B.C.
Monica & Rachel sit on rock sipping cave-lattes. Chandler is bartering with cave-barista for cappuccino and juniper twig scone.
I don’t know how you and Ross deal. Him so weak.
He weak, but hair gel strong!
Monica laugh. Chandler walks up.
Wow, getting cappuccino from Grok like pulling teeth… Saberteeth that is!
Hi Chandler. Ready for date tonight?
Oh boy! I forgot date! I tell Joey and Ross that I hang with guys tonight! We go to Cave-Knicks game!
Well at least you will see someone score tonight!
Rachel and Monica high-five. Rachel squats on the floor and takes a poop then smears her face in it and runs out. Monica jumps on a near-by dodo bird and rips its throat out with her teeth then drags the dead carcass off.
Ross & Joey enter.
Hey Chandler, you ready for game?
I don’t know guys. I tell Monica I go on date with her tonight.
But we already buy tickets!
Oh lighten up, Tyrano-sore-ass!
You no talk to me that way!
Chandler gets up in Joey’s face
Oh yeah? Make me!
Ross, what him problem?
Ross lies motionless on the floor. Chandler rushes to his body.
Oh no! Ross die of caveman AIDS.
INT. RACHEL & MONICA’S CAVE – NIGHT
Monica is cooking over a stove while Rachel is preparing a salad.
Hey Monica, me no know if we collect enough berries for your catering gig tonight. I mean you practically serve all of prehistoric New York City tonight!
Ugh, me want cosmo!
The girls look at each other and nod. It’s cosmo time! They pull the glasses out and start mixing.
Oh my god Rachel! Don’t say that! You naughty!
Me sex your brother.
Me sex him too. We no have taboos in our society like incest, we just need increase population of species.
Who say sex? Me free spirited whore!
Phoebe! You no sex us! We women like you!
Well me woman and me like you too!
A huge cavewoman orgy erupts… but just then:
A Tyrannosaurus Rex with a giant thorn in its butt (yup, you guessed it, it’s the Tyrano-sore-ass Chandler was referring to earlier) barges into cave and eats all the ladies.
The Tyrano-sore-ass leaves and Chandler and Joey walk up.
Hey, where Ross?
(slapping his own forehead)
Wow, you sure are a neanderDULL!