Lost Friends Episode

Scientists recently made an incredible discovery. While on an archeological dig, they uncovered what they believe to be the very first Friends script ever in existence. This is an incredible find due to the fact that the first Friends script is thought to have been written shortly after the first documented cave paintings. Many people do not know the significance ancient sitcoms had in developing our species into the humans that we are today. Without the help of characters like Ross and Phoebe there is no doubt that humans would be turd-eating slaves of the marsupials. So without further ado, here is a look at the original pilot of the hit sitcom Friends dated 32,000 years before Christ.

INT. CENTRAL PERK – DAY 32,000 B.C.
Monica & Rachel sit on rock sipping cave-lattes. Chandler is bartering with cave-barista for cappuccino and juniper twig scone.

Monica
I don’t know how you and Ross deal. Him so weak.

Rachel
He weak, but hair gel strong!

 

Monica laugh. Chandler walks up.

Chandler
Wow, getting cappuccino from Grok like pulling teeth… Saberteeth that is!

 

Everyone laugh.

Monica
Hi Chandler. Ready for date tonight?

Chandler
Oh boy! I forgot date! I tell Joey and Ross that I hang with guys tonight! We go to Cave-Knicks game!

Monica
Well at least you will see someone score tonight!

Rachel and Monica high-five. Rachel squats on the floor and takes a poop then smears her face in it and runs out. Monica jumps on a near-by dodo bird and rips its throat out with her teeth then drags the dead carcass off.

Ross & Joey enter.

Ross
Hey Chandler, you ready for game?

Chandler
I don’t know guys. I tell Monica I go on date with her tonight.

Joey
But we already buy tickets!

Chandler
Oh lighten up, Tyrano-sore-ass!

Joey
You no talk to me that way!

Chandler gets up in Joey’s face

Chandler
Oh yeah? Make me!

Joey
Ross, what him problem?

No response.

Joey (Cont’d)
Ross?

Ross lies motionless on the floor. Chandler rushes to his body.

Chandler
Oh no! Ross die of caveman AIDS.

INT. RACHEL & MONICA’S CAVE – NIGHT

Monica is cooking over a stove while Rachel is preparing a salad.

Rachel
Hey Monica, me no know if we collect enough berries for your catering gig tonight. I mean you practically serve all of prehistoric New York City tonight!

Monica
Ugh, me want cosmo!

The girls look at each other and nod. It’s cosmo time! They pull the glasses out and start mixing.

Rachel
Hey Monica.

Monica
Yes?

Rachel
Sex!

Monica
Oh my god Rachel! Don’t say that! You naughty!

Rachel
Me sex your brother.

Monica
Me sex him too. We no have taboos in our society like incest, we just need increase population of species.

Phoebe enters.

Phoebe
Who say sex? Me free spirited whore!

Rachel
Phoebe! You no sex us! We women like you!

Phoebe
Well me woman and me like you too!

A huge cavewoman orgy erupts… but just then:

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWR.

A Tyrannosaurus Rex with a giant thorn in its butt (yup, you guessed it, it’s the Tyrano-sore-ass Chandler was referring to earlier) barges into cave and eats all the ladies.

The Tyrano-sore-ass leaves and Chandler and Joey walk up.

Joey
Hey, where Ross?

Chandler
(slapping his own forehead)
Wow, you sure are a neanderDULL!

Credits Roll.

 

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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