Aries March 20 – April 20 You are attending a wedding, and you know what that means: a trip to Ross. Don’t worry if you are embarrassed to see people you know at the mall. You have caught them there, too.
Taurus April 20 – May 21 You will be faced with an important gift to give this month. Instead of thoughtful, you go with funny. Perhaps you should be working on that sense of humor, pal. No one wants a chin-muscle excerciser. She will be super insulted.
Gemini May 21 – June 21 You find a great apartment for rent and even like your two new roommates. The landlord is even OK with the co-ed arrangement, as long as you’re gay. Go buy a round at the Regal Beagle to celebrate your good fortune.
Leo July 22 – August 23 This month you will finally listen to the Savage Henry podcast. You can’t help yourself. … His observations, his humor, his intimate knowledge of World of Warcraft … You are falling madly in love with the man behind the voice: Josh Duke! Your boyfriend is furious. That guy was the reason his band broke up.
Virgo August 23 – September 23 You start thinking that you ought to get a hobby … but really you just ought to get better at the hobbies that you currently have. Scratch that. Quit your current hobbies and get better at cleaning your house and making money.
Libra September 23 – October 23 You are busted! You have been singing that “Hey Soul Sister” song all week in a little falsetto — even the part about his “untrimmed chest.” Haven’t you even noticed? A few years ago you would have kicked your own ass.
Sagittarius November 22-December 22 The years of bragging about your poison oak immunity will catch up with you this month. Everyone thinks he is immune until his balls touch some oak. Spare yourself the pain and get a steroid shot.
Capricorn December 22 – January 20 Given your low creativity level, you start thinking about your Halloween costume now to avoid being whatever comes to mind right before you go out. You will change your mind several times and purchase several accessories. You really think you got a jump on things, but your creativity is about on par with your memory. I’ll let you know in October how it all turns out.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 This month will be river-heavy for you. After a few trips, you’ll be brave enough to explore new trails through private property down to the water. How long have you lived here? Maybe the ocean is a better body of water for you to enjoy if you like your body without holes in it.
Pisces February 18 – March 20 This month your phone will die … as in, dead. You will be forced to make one of those phone number requests on Facebook that never yield well. BUT WAIT! Remember that time you got stoned and hand-wrote your contact list just in case this happened? Good thing you are so paranoid when you smoke weed.