Taurus April 20 – May 21 Your partner develops night terrors this month and after a few days of being awoken from a dead sleep by screams next to your ear, you go a little edgy. You chew your fingernails to the quick and your career as a hand model is OVER. Try growing pot.
Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your anger flares this month when you realize that your idea for a sandwich with fried chicken on the outside and bacon and cheese in the middle has been stolen and marketed. You write a list of everyone for whom you have ever made one and register for a handgun.
Leo July 22 – August 23 Your parents will come to visit and take you to Costco. You will buy the biggest bag of rice that you have ever seen. After eating about four cups, it will become completely infested with weevils. You will pour it out in a corner of your yard where it will become a gelatinous mound that people will ask about until you move.
Libra September 23 – October 23 On a trip to Redding you get very nervous about stopping to have a drink in a biker bar called Simon Legree’s (after all, you’re so tan), but your friend insists. Your anxiety subsides when you see that the bartender is a black cowboy and the owner is a Mexican surfer.
Sagittarius November 22-December 22 Your practice relocates you to a small Alaskan town where you will be the only doctor. Ignore the pilot gal with the short hair. Even though she’ll never admit it, she’s a lesbian.
Capricorn December 22 – January 20 Your dog will start acting funny and you will notice that he hasn’t taken a dump in a while. Having a vet tech remove a half-pound of sand from your dog’s colon: 572 dollars. Explaining to your employer why you need an advance: Priceless.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Though your fear and avoidance of small children is strong, you will get sick with the yuck that has been going around all of your friends’ kids. It wasn’t them who spread the flu to you, though; it was when you licked the bathroom door in Toby & Jack’s.
Pisces February 18 – March 20 Early in the month your bank account becomes overdrawn, thus canceling the automatic payments to your Netflix account. You mourn all the second-rate movies that you used to be able to download instantly. “To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar” was next in your instant queue. Sigh.