Aries March 20 – April 20 Mid Month you will fall asleep in the sun and burn the shit out of your forehead causing it to swell immensely. You will walk around for two days looking like a reddish cross between Wharf and Christina Ricci, but with white sunglasses.
Taurus April 20 – May 21 You will come home after work to find all of your friends and a well dressed lady with a clipboard in your living room. They want to talk about your little problem with World of Warcraft. You think it feels like a reverse raid and can’t help but wonder how much real world gold the counselor is going to cost you.
Gemini May 21 – June 21 Late in the month your brother comes for a visit. You go a little too far with the bonding and the whiskey and you tell him you grow dope. He tells you he’s gay. You say “Duh,”, he will say “No doy” and then your girlfriend will puke on the floor.
Cancer June 21 – July 22 Business will take you to Las Vegas this month. You will lose $44.75 gambling, your cell phone, that guy’s number, your Us Weekly about Jesse cheating on Sandra, your room key, your dinner and your faith in humanity.
Leo July 22 – August 23 Early in the month you have a very grown up moment and schedule a dental exam. Later in the month you have a very childish moment and go to see Repo Men instead of going to your dental exam.
Virgo August 23 – September 23 In the second week of the month you will brave the masses at Winco. In the parking lot, with your arms full of self bagged groceries, you will walk in to the middle of a bum fight. The uglier of the two will take his shoe off and throw it at the more toothless of the two, hitting you in the crossfire.
Libra September 23 – October 23 You are stuck in a women’s prison in the last week of the month and you seduce a woman for use of her telephone. When you are finally bailed, you make a sandwich and join your friend on a killing rampage.
Scorpio October 23 – November 22 This month you have reason and means to attend a large concert. Two women who are obviously enjoying themselves offer you a piece of gum. DO NOT TAKE IT! I repeat: DO NOT PUT THE GUM INTO YOUR BODY. If you do not heed Madame Specifica’s advice on this one, you will wish you had a time machine.
Sagittarius November 22-December 22 You are standing in line at the bank zoning out in the second week of the month. When you come to, you realize that you have been licking the screen of your cell phone to clean the smudges off. The whole line watches you do this.
Capricorn December 22 – January 20 This month you accept your cousin’s friend request on Facebook. This action releases a torrent of familial requests including, but not limited to, your grandmother, your third cousins, your aunts and uncles and your best friend from grade school’s mom. You accept them all, abandon your Facebook and start a new one.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Later in the month your friend gifts you a goldfish. You take it home and feed it crushed Cheerios for the next few weeks until it swims a little sideways. You switch to crushed cat food and Bob’s your mother’s brother, it straightens back out.
Pisces February 18 – March 20 Someone tells you that you should “just marry your freakin’ phone already.” You consider it, but then you screw around with your friends Droid and it makes the idea of sleeping with one phone forever sound soul crushing.