How They Make Award Trophies

Cornell Reid, staff

 

A lot of the trophies you see at the porno awards or the Latin Grammys or other award shows (I can’t think of any others right now) are actually very difficult to make. So I decided that, instead of talking about which award should be given to whom, I’d clue you in to how they actually make each and every award that is given out.

 

This is a long, complicated process that takes a lot of different steps that, when done right, will create the magnificent trophy that is the Latin Grammy. So here is a step-by-step guide to how the biggest and best trophies are made.

 

Step One: Find A Naked Man

Most good trophies are of naked men, so find one to model your statue after. Look at the Oscar, for instance. Is the man Oscar an actor or involved in movies in any way? No. He’s just some long-donged dude who made Shakespeare horny. Or you could look at that participation trophy I got from my third grade soccer coach, which was a small statue of him naked with one hand on a soccer ball and his other hand on his rock hard shaft. He’s currently spending a long time in prison, I don’t know exactly what for, but someone told me it has something to do with all those videos he took of me in the shower. But hey, if I didn’t participate in the showers I wouldn’t have gotten that participation trophy.

 

Step Two: Find a Shit Ton of Liquid Metal

If you’re going to make a statue you need a lot of liquid metal. But why metal? Because have you ever gotten a plastic award? Fuck that. Wow, now you’re ruining the Earth AND my self-esteem. Thanks for this shit plastic award. If you’re gonna give me something plastic it better be full of Fresca or bull sperm cuz when I get plastic I’m looking to guzzle something down and nothing is more refreshing than chugging an entire 2 liter of bull sperm on a hot day. (Although I do it on cold days too, lol! Shhh it’s our little secret ;-))

 

If you don’t know what type of liquid metal you have come across, a good way to figure it out is to dip your finger in the liquid metal and taste it. If it tastes like Guy Fieri’s aioli then you’ve got gold! If you can’t find any pools of liquid metal then strain about 700 bottles of Goldschlager until you have enough gold to make a statue.

 

Step Three: Craft Your Hot Naked Man Statue with Your Friend Like Patrick Swayze in Ghost

Take your shirt off and unbutton your jeans and sit behind your sexiest friend while you make your award statue on a pottery wheel (sometimes called an awards wheel) in a steamy and passionate setting. When you receive an award you should be able to tell whether or not someone orgasmed while making it; just ask my third grade soccer coach. If your statue seems bone dry then you’ve got a shitty statue on your hands. Every single Latin Grammy has been creamed on sometimes a dozen times before it gets into the recipient’s hands. That’s why it is one of the most coveted awards out there.

 

If you follow these easy steps then the recipient of this award will be loving their metal statue of a man with a thick veiny dick and cum on his head. Congratulations, you deserve your very own award for award-making.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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