How to Make a Baby

Samantha Gilweit, contributor

Congratulations! You are about to embark on the wonderful adventure of creating life. Relax, take a deep breath, and look over your options carefully. The first step to making a baby is choosing the right partner. Who are you going to pick as your baby’s father?

1) Trevor, a rich venture capitalist currently investing in the latest social media technology.
2) Joe, a chef and sociopath who loves only himself, foie gras, and the music of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
3) Sandra, a lesbian with a brother that is DTF.

Congrats! You choose number 2, Joe the chef and sociopath! Now, babymaking wouldn’t be babymaking without getting down and bumpin’ uglies. Where are you making this baby?

You are going to have sex in:
1) A bed
2) A romantic hotel suite off the Mendocino Coast
3) A Chevy Express van off the side of Highway 101 somewhere between Fortuna and Garberville with prize winning, heritage breed piglets in the back.

Congrats! You chose number 3! Now get that straw out of your hair and give your sociopathic boyfriend a high-five, because you guys are totally pregnant! Now we’ve got to decide to where to have this kid.

You decide to have the baby at:
1) A reputable hospital that doesn’t give a fuck about you
2) A local birthing center with a Jacuzzi tub and hippy midwives that will massage you while humming James Taylor songs in unison.
3) Your disgusting house

You chose number 2! Congrats! Now it looks like you are having a baby girl. Let’s name that kid.

You decide to name her:
1) Katherine, after your grandmother
2) Alexa Josephine, after your sister
3) Aurora Borealis, because you were high once while listening to Science Friday on NPR

Congrats! You chose number 3, and you can’t wait to start decorating that nursery with a whole Alaskan/taxidermy Nordic animal theme. Hey! Now it’s time to birth that baby!

You end up giving birth at:
1) The birthing center as planned.
2) The hospital, because you needed an emergency C-Section.
3) The birthing center, but only after laboring mostly in your disgusting house because your lazy fucking sociopathic boyfriend thinks he’s a medical professional and doesn’t think you’re “far enough along” to drive you. Then the baby’s head starts coming out while you’re sitting on the toilet because giving birth kind of just feels like needing to take a horrible shit. Your sociopathic boyfriend finally looks at your vagina and says, “Oh fuck! It’s the head!” So now you’re trying not to give birth in the car as your sociopathic boyfriend weaves through traffic trying to make it to the birthing center where the hippy midwives are waiting anxiously for you. You arrive at 8:00 am and your baby is born at 8:06 am. You paid $3500 dollars to labor for six minutes at the birth center. But hey, at least you get to eat pancakes while they take your vitals.

Congrats! You chose number 3. You now have your beautiful baby girl.  What will your new life as a mother be like?

In your new life as a mother, you will:
1) Find out your sociopathic boyfriend had been cheating on you the entire time you were pregnant. He will leave you five weeks after having the baby for a 21-year-old slut that he met at the farmer’s market.
2) Realize that you are luckiest single mom on the planet with the most beautiful baby girl that keeps you going despite being left for a younger woman.
3) Become a stand-up comedian.

 Congratulations! You chose all of the above.

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