How to Make Friends: A Guide for the Lonely Nazi

If you’re a Nazi you probably thought 2017 was going to be all sunshine and lollipops. I don’t want to get political, but 2016 ended on a pretty high note for you Nazis; however, just cuz you got some friends in the White House doesn’t mean you have any friends at home. It’s still hard to make friends as a Nazi, and it’s especially hard to date. Something about a swastika seems to make girls automatically swipe left, which means many lonely nights and a lot of cranking it to reruns of Frasier. Well, don’t worry, Nazis. I have compiled an easy four-step process to try to make you more palatable to the average American citizen. Follow these steps and you’re sure to get super popular and hella chicks!

  1. Take it easy on the Jews! Dude, everyone thinks your Jew-hating is wack. When you say shit like, “Jews lost my keys!” all of us are sitting there thinking, “This guy sucks.” You need to take some responsibility for yourself. Jews didn’t lose your keys, Jews didn’t pee in your bed while you were sleeping in it. You did! Instead of making up negative stuff about the Jews why don’t you try making up positive stuff for once? Like Jews choose the best laundry detergent. Or Jews eat bagels. It doesn’t even have to be overtly positive, just as long as it’s not so negative. Then people will be like, “Oh really? Jews eat bagels? Interesting fact, thanks Nazi! We should hang out more often.”
  2. Wear more tie-dye. The problem with you being a Nazi is everyone knows that you’re uptight. Guess what? No one wants to hang with an uptight idiot. We want to hang with people that are chill. So put on some fucking tie-dye already and look chill. If no one is buying the tie-dye shirt, then put on a hemp necklace. If that doesn’t work then add a crystal to said necklace. If that doesn’t work, dread your hair. Try some other stuff too, like carry around a guitar with no strings in it. Pretty soon you will look so chill that you will have hundreds of friends and they’ll all be conveniently located behind the Bayshore Mall.
  3. Get a hot tub. People are willing to overlook a lot just to come over and use someone’s hot tub. They’ll walk right past all your propaganda and hate-filled literature, strip naked and hop in the tub. Now don’t freak out if one of your man friends is circumcised. Let it roll, baby. What happens in the tub stays in the tub. Plus, body shaming a guy just cuz he no longer has his foreskin is NOT cool. If the circumcised junk really bothers you then turn the jets on, bro! That way the suds will hide the tip and you can put your mind at ease.
  4. Be self-deprecating. As a Nazi you’re going to have to shit on yourself a lot to make anyone even consider being your friend. Start a new catch-phrase like, “But what do I know, I’m just a stupid Nazi!” or if you’re fat maybe, “Not only am I a hate-filled Nazi but I’m a fudge-filled Nazi too!” or maybe something like, “I should just kill myself because I’m human garbage!” The last one might be a little extreme, but if you say it to yourself then others won’t have to and you will save them a lot of time. They will appreciate that.

If you follow this strict guide then you should be able to make some fast friends. However, if none of these steps work, just remember that you are a Nazi, so you don’t deserve friends.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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