So you’re going to try hallucinogens. Great! But you’re a little scared because you’ve heard a lot of news stories about people having bad trips and doing kooky stuff! There was that one guy that ripped his nuts off, then there’s that other guy who cut his nuts off, oh and I almost forgot about the guy that chopped his nuts off. Basically, if you have a bad trip you can kiss your nuts goodbye. Actually I don’t know if you can actually kiss your nuts unless you remove a rib because your nuts are pretty far down there and that’s how Marilyn Manson does it. Maybe you don’t have to remove a rib, I’m not sure, maybe one of you thoughtful readers has a kissing-your-own-nuts hack you’d like to share with us but as far as I know, you gotta remove a rib to smooch the sack. Anyway, I have developed a method to guarantee you have a good trip so you won’t even have to bother trying to figure out how one goes about smooching their own sack because you know your hallucinogenic journey will be filled with nothing but sunshine and lollipops. So follow these five easy steps and you’re guaranteed to have a fun and satisfying drug-fueled experience.
- Get A Gun
Hey, you never know what’s gonna happen on your trip so the best way to feel safe is by holding a fully loaded firearm. See something that looks a bit odd? Shoot it. Now all the sudden it’s not so scary anymore. Plus guns look really trippy when you’re hallucinating. You can have a lot of fun checking that thing out, especially the hole where the bullets come out. Look at that hole. Isn’t that shit trippy?
- Cut Your Balls Off Before You Trip
Whenever someone has a bad trip it seems that they become determined to mutilate their nutsack. I get it, I hate my testicles as much as the next guy, but if you cut your nuts off while tripping it kinda ruins your trip and then you’re on the news and honestly it’s all just a little embarrassing. Well an easy way to avoid that is to remove the temptation beforehand. Just remember: snip before you trip. That way, when you’re fully immersed in your “journey” you can look down at your nether regions and truly be at peace knowing that your nards are nowhere to be found. (If you’re a woman, feel free to rip off someone else’s nuts if you fear you’ll see them during your trip, but otherwise I think your privates are pretty safe.)
- Mix With PCP
PCP will help you keep your trip in perspective. Are you really starting to freak out? Does it feel as if the fluids inside you are boiling? Do you suddenly feel the urge to punch through walls? Don’t worry, that’s just the PCP not your hallucinogen. Once you realize your trip is going great, you can really focus on all the terrible things the PCP is doing to your mind body and soul.
- File Your Taxes
Look, it’s hard to have a bad trip while you’re busy sitting with your accountant filling out a 1099. There’s an ancient South American saying that roughly translates to “taxes soothe the soul.” So sit back, relax and prepare to be money smart straight from the heart. Also see if you can deduct whatever money you paid for your drugs.
- Make Sure You’re Around A Lot of People, Preferably Cops
A police station is a great place to go or a courthouse also works. Being surrounded by authoritarian figures really helps you to feel comfortable. A lot of people don’t know this, but in order to become a cop or a judge in America you have to be a certified spirit guide. So if you’re feeling a little spooked just go up and talk to one of them and they’ll be sure to steer you in a positive direction.
There you go, five easy steps to stay happy and healthy while tripping your balls off. Be safe out there, but most of all, have fun.