Making Dirty Jokes Clean

Is there anything worse than hearing a dirty joke? Oh good grief! Last week I was at a child’s briss and the mohel (guy who cuts skin off the ding-dongs) was shouting joke after inappropriate joke during the ceremony! Every single joke involved girls hoo-haas and guys bungholes plus all sorts of different types of jizz. I was so grossed out I almost didn’t finish my fourth bottle of Manischewitz.

So I decided to confront the problem HEAD ON and start cleaning these dirty jokes up for the rest of us normal people who don’t think puking after a joke is fun.

So without further ado, here are some dirty jokes that I will make clean.

DIRTY VERSION:
Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber
CLEAN VERSION:
Q: What’s long and hard and has ejaculate in it?
A: a cuejaculateber

DIRTY:
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
CLEAN:
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she built a meaningful relationship with the love of her life Adam.

DIRTY:
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
CLEAN:
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and whatever you do, don’t suck on your dog’s cock.

DIRTY:
Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: Because he was looking for Pooh
CLEAN:
Q: Why did T-word look in the toilet?
A: Because he was looking for someone whose name doesn’t happen to be a slang word for fecal matter.

DIRTY:
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
CLEAN:
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and don’t have sex til you’re married.

DIRTY:
Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
CLEAN:
Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi ruins a briss by making too many inappropriate jokes while a priest sucks off children.

DIRTY:
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
CLEAN:
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: Nothing. At KFC, when you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in, however with a woman you can never “finish” respecting a woman’s breast, thighs or any part of her body for that matter, plus she does NOT have a greasy box, that is something more usually attributed towards fast food.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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