Meth: It’s Ambien, but in Reverse

Ah sleep, nature’s unemployment line. You could get so much done if it wasn’t for sleep. Why haven’t you been promoted at work? Why have you not finished your great American novel? Why did your wife/husband leave you? SLEEP! You didn’t have enough time because your body gets “tired.” Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to destroy that relaxing son of a bitch called sleep. Fortunately for you, someone, probably a well-dressed man of science, invented meth. Now that you are a gentleman of the night, indulging in the classy hobby of methamphetamine, you will need things to do at night. Don’t worry: we at Savage Henry got your back.

10 Things To Do on Meth

  1.  Why not build model airplanes? How many? As many as you can. Should you finish them? Fuck no! Leave them unfinished and covered in glue. You show that high school army recruiter that he made a mistake.
  1. Write a movie script. Write about whatever you see. Look. there’s a bunch of model airplanes some asshole didn’t finish. How about you write about them? How about you write the screenplay for Top Gun 2? YEAH! Instead of jets they are in tanks! Yeah, Homoerotic tank movie!
  1. Wrestle. Wrestle who? Who gives a fuck, it’s 3:30 am and you’re on meth.
  1. Invent a cocktail with what’s in your garage. Vodka, Mountain Dew, and antifreeze. What do you call it? Who cares — you’re about to poop your pants.
  1. Solve an unsolved crime. Who shot Biggie Smalls? It could have been anybody… even you! Shit, things just got too real. Time to find an alibi for the night of March 9th 1997.
  1. Try to see if ZZ Top’s Eliminator syncs up with Wizard of Oz in a meaningful fashion.
  1. Rebuild a 1966 Pontiac Firebird. Nothing like the feeling of accomplishment and well-being you get from rebuilding a classic car. Unfortunately, you don’t own a classic car. You don’t own a car at all! This family is going to be pissed you took apart their 1999 Windstar.
  1. Go fishing. You have been tweaking all night; your vision is the closest it’s ever going get to that of the Predator monster. Use that heat vision and get some damn trophy bass!
  1. Write a scathing letter to the makers of Sour Patch Kids for not including a grape flavor. Sign the letter in blood so they know you mean business.
  1. Build a time machine. Once the time machine is built, travel back in time and rob yourself so future you can buy more meth.

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website josh-argyle.com for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

Check Also

6 Things I Told My Therapist That Were Totally Uninteresting to Him

Jason Melton, contributor   I told my therapist, “I don’t like getting oil on my …