Michael Jordan’s sure bets of the 90s

Hi, I’m world famous basketball player Michael Jordan. I make a lot of money, so much money I don’t know what to do with it all. So I picked up a pretty nasty gambling habit that may or may not have lead to my first, early and abrupt retirement. I’d like to share some sure bets to help your wallets fatten and to make sure your father isn’t suspiciously murdered.

We’ll start with sports. There’s only one name you need to know, besides mine of course, Scott Norwood. The Buffalo Bills will win at least 3 Superbowls in the 90s. And you can bet on it! Ha, see what I did there? I think after winning all the baseball trophies maybe I’ll try stand-up comedy and have Sinbad open for me.

Zima will revolutionize malt liquor, making it highbrow instead of the stuff of ghetto stereotypes.

Let’s talk fashion. You afraid of fashion? I’m not, cause these new bad-ass No Fear shirts are here to stay!

You know how our old-ass parents are like, “Remember when the Beatles were on Ed Sullivan?” That will be replaced by another British Invasion! Have you heard of these Spice Girls? They’ll change the cultural fabric of our nation well into the next century.

I’m a busy dude, right? Lot’s of agents and coaches and bookies trying to get a hold of me. But what if I’m not around my house or my car phone? Beepers baby! Now for all eternity people can call a number, punch in their number, or a secret code, and you can call them back when you track down another phone. So convenient!

So make those bets and you’ll be as rich as me! So rich I can turn down the endorsement money to hock underwear! Do they know who I am? I’m Michael fucking Jordan baby! I’ll leave you with this, what master thespian and personal friend Wesley Snipes says….”Always bet on Black!”

About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He's the publisher of Savage Henry Magazine.

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