Michael Winslow’s Guide to STDs

Scared to talk to your parents about sex? Worried your teachers might ridicule you if you don’t know everything about mating? Don’t worry, because Michael Winslow the “Man of 10,000 Sound Effects” and star of the Police Academy films has put together an easy to use guide for you to reference when you think you may have contracted something bad on your ding-dong or yoohoo. So sit back and relax, and let Michael Winslow bring you all the answers about STDs you’ve ever needed.


There are 4 main types of sexually transmitted diseases: The bleeps the bloops the skrrrriiiiiiiiits and the heebadeebadebows.

The bleeps can easily be diagnosed because these are the ones that make your wiener go blip blip dibadibadibadiba bowwwwww thubathubathubathub. Don’t worry though because the bleeps are easily curable, just ask your doctor for a STAB sqeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt!

Next are the bloops. Now you’ll know when you’ve caught the bloops because they make your privates go psssshhhhhhhhh fichowwwwwwwwww and you’re like “Ah! Ah! Ah! AIYEEEEEEEEEEEE” there is also a little tibble tibble tabble when you try and go pee. The bloops are a little harder to cure. You have to take a thhhhhhip GULP once a day for five weeks!

The skrrrriiiiiiiiits are little tiny bijouuux that walk around your pubes with a “snip snip tapatapatapatapa snip snip” and it will make you all “URRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!” skatchaskatchaskatchaskatcha. All you have to do to cure this one is take an electric razor to your pubes and mraaaaaawroaraoarRAWWROARrawrarwraw then make them into a pile and psssshhhhhhhhh fichowwwwwwwwww.

The last type of STDS is the worst one. I’m talking, of course, about the heebadeebadebows. It’s hard to tell if you have this one. The way you’ll find out is by one day probably a couple of years after you’veslappity squished you’ll be walking down the street like “humdeedum ladida” then the next thing you know errrrrr BOOM “ughbleeeeeeeeeeeeh.”

Those are the 4 main types of STDs that I personally know about. Just remember to take a close listen to your genitals after coitus. And remember it’s always safter to riiiiip chigachiga slap frthfrthfrth snaaaaaap before you unh mmmm ooooooh ahhh.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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