Milstein at the Movies: Aquaman

Seth Milstein, contributor

You know how every time you look at Thor you wish his hair was dark brown and floating a little? If you just said “yes” then I have 2 things to say to you: 1. This movie is for you. 2. We all think it’s weird that you answered out loud to a question that I typed at least a month ago. This isn’t a conversation. I couldn’t even hear you. Anyway, Water-Thor is a movie that combines everything you love about superhero movies with everything you love about kitschy souvenirs from a gift shop in a small costal town. Heroes, villains, seashells, starfish…

          So, Fishman is the product of a fish lady and a land man who fall in love and have what I assume is weird and smelly sex (or maybe not. No shame intended. I just don’t know how the anatomy of the situation works. Is there a stigma of fish lady vaginas smelling like land or cows or something? Either way, let’s not perpetuate such stereotypes since this particular land man was all about it because that’s how love goes or whatever.). He seems to be torn between two worlds and as a result tries to use his fish skills to help land people. Basically just another dude doing everything in his power to earn his father’s respect. 

          Things start to get wonky when Drogo H2O’s half brother decides to get all of the fish people to hate people people and tries to start a war. Does this sound familiar to you? Yeah? That’s because it’s the same plot as one of the Thor movies and THE AVENGERS!!! I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Milstein at the Movies, why would I see this if I’ve already seen one or both of those other movies made by a studio that has a pretty well proven track record of not sucking?” The obvious answer is that their hair is all flowing behind them while their fighting and also there’s jellyfish and shit.

          If you’re in the mood for a handsome version of Michael Phelps who kicks ass with a pitchfork instead of doing bong rips at college parties, then this might be the flick for you. If you want to see what it would look like if a slightly smarter Lobo hung out at the beach instead of outer space, see this! But if you bought all of the Thor toys and played with them in the bath like I did, you’ve probably already seen it.

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