More Hollywood Rumors: Sports Edition

My spies are everywhere — but this time of year they take their ears off the ground at the Walk of Fame and plant them on the sports field turf! Watch out for cleats, spies! (My spies don’t have health insurance, and they won’t ever, thanks to Obamacare.)

Locker room scuttlebutt has it that Tiger Woods is an exceptional lover — and that he may even stray from his marital bed from time to time!

Michael Jackson was not the greatest NBA player ever — you’re thinking of Michael Jordan, my spies say! Michael Jackson was the pedophile singer!

We all know that Eli Manning talks like he’s retarded, but rumor has it that that’s because he is, in fact, retarded!

MLB slugger Barry Bonds hit the most dingers ever, say the history books… but there are whispers that he might not have been on the level, so to speak!

There are murmurs around the basketball world that child crooner Aaron Carter once beat Shaquille O’Neal in a game of one-on-one, though O’Neal’s representatives deny such an event ever occurred!

NFL great Barry Sanders not only wowed football fans everywhere with his fancy footwork, say spies — he also murdered hundreds of women across the nation for nearly a decade, leaving behind a gory trail of mutilated corpses in shallow graves!

BREAKING: Tennis legend Martina Navratilova, long rumored to be completely heterosexual, might in fact be completely homosexual, according to secrets flown in on the Easterly breeze!

Baseball hall-of-famer Ted Williams does indeed still live, however tenuously, in the form of his frozen head, which was preserved by a progressive cryogenic firm. However, some experts say that his severed head is, in actuality, completely dead, despite being frozen!

Some journalists believe that Megalire G. Scolaris, famed Olympic discus-thrower and paranormal detective, was actually made up by this author! This author for one, roundly disputes such a claim!

Florence Griffith-Joyner, famed U.S. track & field champion, may have died of an epileptic seizure in 1998, but insiders are now saying that she lives on in our memories!

About Zack Newkirk


Check Also

Rejected Exit Surveys From Heaven’s Gate

Matt Redbeard, contributor   OPPODY All I know is before I couldn’t stop banging. It …