Justin Gomes, contributor
Good ‘morrow to you, dear reader. Welcome, have a seat here at the bar. I can see you’re a man/woman/(write your own!:______) in need of a hearty mother-approved breakfast. Well, fortunately for you, I am a master stonedommelier. I, along with Chef Boi R.D., have prepared a menu that is sure to delight.
2 Eggs poached, Peppered Bacon, Rye Toast, Fried Potato-Tomato Reverie with a Bloody Mary
You’re a bare bones kind of man/woman/(write your own!:______) who doesn’t mess around. You’ve acquired a taste for game in your adventurous life, and since there aren’t too many breakfast meats you can eat raw you’ll have to settle for a Bloody Mary. And you take your eggs poached, just like your deer.
Bagel and Lox plate, featuring Loch Nofucks farm Salmon with 8 Mimosas.
You spent all week working for that bitch Carol. You hate Carol. But today is Sunday, and Sunday is bottomless Mimosa brunch at Rudy’s on 3rd Street day. You go there with bae. You love bae. But mostly you love yourself. Sure, this smoked salmon is sustainably-farmed, and that’s good for the environment or whatever, but how is that going to help YOU hide your side-man/woman/(write your own!:______), because after this many mimosas your mouth starts to run!
English Muffin with Salted Butter, paired with a shot of Fernet.
Ah, I see you’re also in the foodservice industry. I’ll give you the standard. Nurse that hangover, baby!
South of the Border Breakfast Burrito with a Clamato Beer
You’re a comedian on the road. You spent all night last night partying with local comics after a late show. You consistently swear that every last city you’ve been to parties harder than the last, but in reality it’s mostly just you that’s partying harder. A burrito, with all of its delicious and greasy hangover-curing ingredients wrapped up conveniently to-go, is the perfect accompaniment to a breakfast brown bag beer. Eat it as you walk around the city this morning; it’s probably the only thing you can afford to do today until the show tonight.