Morning Food Translations

Ivan Mueting, contributor

When it comes to romance, it can be hard to pick up on how your partner feels, and what they’re really like. Next time you spend the night at your lover’s place, look at what they give you for breakfast. The gesture involves some effort and thought, and their choices can give you the valuable insight to gauge their value as a companion. Here are a few examples of dishes and what they really mean.


Coffee and a cigarette: Okay, so this person must be really busy with their business and stuff. It’s probably best if you just leave.


Oatmeal with raisins, and an apple: They’re trying to fix you, or they’re old. I’d say you should hit the road, unless you’re into that kind of thing.


Kale, quinoa, and kombucha: They are dirty, smelly hippies, but something tells me you already knew that. Don’t let the essential oils fool you, they’re really gross.


Stale tortilla chips: Okay, this person actively dislikes you, but they’re funny and creative. You’ll have to win them over.


McDonalds: They’re rich and they try really hard at life.


Black beans, banana, and coffee: It’s not your lover; it’s your Guatemalan mom. Or your lover is your Guatemalan friend’s mom. High fives all around!


Fruit Salad: They’re The Wiggles! It’s probably best if you just leave.


Nothing: Giving head goes a long way. Let this be a learning experience.


Eggs, toast, and blueberries: They’re trying. Give them a chance, and give them some head.


Burrito: They’re a keeper! Burritos rule.


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