Zeke Herrera, staff
I really enjoyed the idea of a murder mystery-themed buffet. It combines two of my favorite things, blood and diarrhea — oh, and the murder stuff, I guess.
At first I had a lot of fun solving the murder; they did a great job establishing the characters and I was only one plate in so I felt good. Then the second murder came around. Not as fun. At this point I’m like three plates in and I was paying too much attention to the biscuits to know anything happening. We’re having a hard time solving this one when some guy spills gravy and this guy is pissed. They get in a fight and the guy that spilled the gravy just beats the shit out of the other guy. I’m just like, “Chill out guys, the bratwursts are on me.”
The guy that was losing storms off. I’m on my fourth plate when all of a sudden this fucking guy next to me starts choking or some shit, and it’s just like, seriously? I am way too tired to keep solving mysteries. They really upped the production with this one cause before the guy “died” he managed to “call 911” so the paramedics show up and take him away not even giving us a chance to solve it. I tried to get clues out of them but they were very rude and kept saying that I “should have done something” and I was “blocking the exit.”
After this I’m in the bathroom making room like it’s a hoarders intervention when I start hearing gunshots go off. I’m trying to just enjoy my poop and watch some pornography but I can’t because there’s just screaming and gunshots constantly. So I finally get up and head out and I see it’s the guy that left earlier doing the shooting. It’s just so frustrating because I can see the guy doing it, so in what sense is this a mystery? The “police” show up to this one and start asking me questions, and I’m like, “shouldn’t I be asking the questions?” and then they “arrest me” for “impeding an investigation.” Anyway, I’m still giving it three stars because the food was pretty good, there was a lot of very good acting, and honestly, this is only the second worst Golden Corral experience I’ve had.