Tony Persico, contributor
I have done so much with my extremely awesome life, the most interesting man in the world asks me what to do. I am an expert pilot, and am often seen doing loops and landing on runways. I avenged my brother’s death by single handedly wiping out several biker gangs, but the taste of revenge grew sour when I remembered that I don’t have a brother. I translate ethnic slurs for the Russian Mob, I wrote a Grammy winning musical and I keep my house really, really clean. Occasionally, I find truffles for pigs, to even things out.
The ladies can’t resist me when I play air guitar, I can run several blocks without stopping, and I can make a three- minute egg in 30 seconds. I am an expert in architecture, an outlaw in several states, and a mercenary for Blackwater; but that all went to hell when the government found out about my little side project selling white children into slavery. I play triangle in a funk band. I was drafted by the Steelers, and I don’t like any purple candy.
When I’m bored, I redesign galaxies that God messed up. I enjoy a nice beverage. Every other Tuesday, I give out free blowjobs to the homeless.
I just perfected the ancient art of turning lead into gold, but have run out of the secret ingredient, which, surprisingly enough, is gold. So let’s see, what else can I tell you about myself that you aren’t going to read in the papers once I’m finally caught?
I have been hailed by critics as the best human to come along since Socrates. I have complete control over all 50 types of sphincters in my body. I won eighteen million dollars in the lottery, and then lost it all on one hand of blackjack. I am very good at wrapping packages. I won the Nobel Prize in Disco three years in a row.
Dogs love me.
I can hurl cats at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to perform my one man play, “Braveheart & Hamlet” that evening. I know the exact location of every store in every mall. I sleep once a month; when I do sleep, I sleep in a bucket. While touring the English countryside, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small turnip. The law of gravity does not apply to me.
I slink, I slide, I bob, I weave, I knit and all my clothes are pressed. On weekends, to let off steam, I used to wrestle alligators competitively, but was disqualified in the regional semi-finals for using a shotgun. I recently learned how to deflect bullets and breathe underwater.
I was kidnapped by a secret government agency and had Adamantium pumped into my body, making me virtually indestructible. I’m breeding yaks and camels together, but don’t know whether to call them caks or yamels.
I have won dogfights in Detroit, cockfights in Miami and spelling bees Washington DC. I used to steal furniture from people’s houses, and replace it with furniture stolen from other people’s houses. Eventually, keeping track of all the furniture became difficult and I was arrested while putting someone’s furniture back into their own house.
Currently, I’m living in Humboldt County, helping to Immanentize the Eschaton. Don’t worry; when you get home later, you can Google it. I invented invention.