Buttercup The Horse – translated by Cornell Reid
I wish I was a horse. I mean, I am a horse, but I wish I was a different horse. I live in an alternate universe where horses can use computers. Hooves are usually pretty dope but when it comes to operating most laptops in your universe we’re shit out of luck.
In our universe, our laptops are just a bunch of dangling carrots, and whichever one I nibble on types a letter. I am going through a lot of carrots just writing this article, but it’s worth it to let you know the hell that is my existence.
The reason I want to be a different horse is because I’m a super horny horse with no horse to hump. I can’t even French another horse or eat another horse’s butt. See, in my universe horses are super not-horny, except for me. I am the only horny horse in all of Horselandia.
I’d love to be a non-horny horse. Man would that be nice! I would love to see a hot horse ass waltz right by my horse nose and not even get a huge horse boner, but it’s impossible. Well to be fair, I don’t get a boner when I see a hot horse walk by because I already have a boner, and I’ve had one for the last 765 years. I was born with a horse boner and I’ll die with a horse boner. Horses in this universe live to be 8,000 years old. That means I have over 7,000 years to go and if you think my horse boner hurts now just wait until I’m 7,000 years old!
Now, I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking, “Why don’t you wack it?” Well I’ve tried, my dear friends, I’ve tried really hard, but with these hooves it’s almost impossible for a horse to crank it OR yank it, and you’d be flat-out nuts if you think I can spank it. So I spend every day just walking around trying to rub on some soft grass or wood or something but nothing quells the urge to really sniff on some hot, hot horse ass.
Oh Horse Lord, why can’t I just be a different horse? Why can’t I be a horse that knows nothing about boners like the other horses? What have I done to deserve such a curse?
My horniness knows no bounds. All the other horses whinny and laugh when I walk around town with my horse boner dragging in the dirt, covered in brambles. I wish us horses had waistbands like you humans so I had something to tuck my horse boner in. But alas, there is no solution. I’m just a horse with a lot of fantasies, but none greater than being less horse-horny. 🙁