My Father Said Things I Submitted to S.H.I.T.

Patrick Perkins, contributor

My dad wasn’t a terrible guy and, though not a professor, he isn’t an idiot either. Considering he served on the Enterprise (though not under Kirk or Picard), he’s been to prison, was a logger, and now he runs his own farm. He’s an interesting guy. Over my life he’s given me some really great pearls of wisdom; he’s also said some of the most deplorable things I’ve ever heard come out of another human being’s mouth. That dichotomy shaped the person I am today and was no small influence on my choice to become a comic. It’s in honor of that, and out of laziness, I decided to use my dad to become famous too*.

• “Head is head.” Explaining to an 6-year-old me that a steak knife could be used as a butter knife.

• “I’m glad you quit drinking, you sucked at it. I’ve got some Vicodin if you want it instead.” As we shared a joint.

• “I’ve never done hard drugs, except coke. And you shouldn’t either, you mess with needles or anything that has to be made up with science for people and you’re gonna die. I’ve seen it happen and I never wanna see it with you.”

Me: “But didn’t you guys do meth, though? Like when I was a kid?”

“No, never; it was called crystal than, totally different thing.” After we shared a joint.

• “You should cuss less in your act; Jeff Foxworthy and Jeff Dunham don’t curse and they sell out all the time.”

After watching a video of the first time I performed stand-up outside of an open mic, unaware he’d stumbled upon being a hack premise.

• “I’m not racist. I don’t hate the black people; now I hate the towel heads.” He didn’t say black people.

• “Is she? Cause if you’re gonna get trouble for fucking a high schooler, she better be.” Upon finding out I was dating an 18 year girl. (I was 21 at the time; we’re married, sorta, now).

• “Your mom said she couldn’t get pregnant, and I didn’t like using condoms.” Apologizing for everything.

Thanks for reading, and please join us next month when I’ll be trending the topic #ShitMyForeFathersSaid, for the Fourth of July.

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