The Mystery of the Family Jewels

Chris Durant and Zeke Herrera, Staff

The door swings open and grandma is standing right there. She’s angry, no doubt, but you can’t figure out why… You were just polishing the family jewels.
“Stop! You’re not using any polish? You’re dry-rubbing it? That’s going to damage the family jewels!”
You immediately stop, feeling embarrassed. No one ever told you how polish the family jewels correctly.
Disappointed, your grandma instructs you to go to the jewelers and get the jewels professionally polished.
“And don’t come back until it’s rubbed out!” Grandma yells.
So you head out the door not knowing the adventures that lay in front of you.
As you walk down the street a windowless white van creeps up next to you. A man rolls down the window and talks to you.
“Hey kid, I gotta bunch of candy and puppies in here and a couple of passes to 6 Flags. What’ya say?”

Do you:
A) Get in the windowless van with the creepy looking stranger (turn to page ??)
B) Run away, shrieking, “Stranger Danger!!!”? (turn to page ??)


A) Not only are there bags and bags of the greatest candy ever made and tons of cute cute puppies, there’s bean bags and lava lamps the radio is blaring the great new Weird Al songs too! You have a great time at 6 Flags but your grandma’s words begin to to echo in your brain. “Hey stranger, I had a blast today, but I gotta go get my family jewels polished.” You continue to the jewelry store with a little pep in your step and a belly full of candy. The jewelry store is closed but you see the jeweler in the back. You knock on the window and he opens the door.

“Hey mister,” You ask. “I need to get the family jewels polished for my grandma.”
“Ok, I’ll rub one more out just for you.”
As the jeweler opens the door two men in ski mask rush in behind you.
“This is a motherfuckin’ robbery, motherfuckers! Shut up and get on the ground!” one man yells.
You duck to the ground squeezing your family jewels. You can’t bear the thought of going through life without them. Your other hand is on your cell phone.

Do you:
C) Throw the phone at the robbers in an effort to thwart their plan and save the day (turn to page ??)
D) Call 911.

B) Running away, you slip on a banana peel and fall into an open manhole and die.

C) You throw your phone, missing the robbers and hitting the jeweler in the head. The phone calls one of your contacts, the pizza delivery guy.
“Hey Roger, it really is taking forever to rob this jewelry store,” one robber says. “What are we still doing here?”
“Hey Steve, we probably shouldn’t use our real names,” the other robber replies. “I thought since we were here I’d have this guy polish my family jewels. He’s almost du…du….uh….duh……Done! All there we go.”
Within 30 minutes or less the pizza arrives. The pizza guy, who’s also a cadet at the local police academy, senses something amiss. He enters the jewelry store cautiously.
“Pizza guy! Freeze!” He screams, scaring the robbers, who surrender immediately.
You get your family jewels polished for free as a reward and the pizza guy gives you a ride home.
When you arrive your grandma is acting a little strange. She looks like a wolf wearing your grandma’s muumuu.
“Is that rack of ribs even cooked, Grandma?”
She doesn’t look up from her ribs and barely notices your nice, clean family jewels.

Do you:
E) Do you grasp your family jewels and run out of the house to try and escape? (turn to page ??)
F) Do you say, “Classic Grandma”? (turn to page ??)


D) You call 911 and the cops show up and you die in the gun battle.

E) You run out of the house being chased by the wolf and directly into the path of a semi-truck going 70 mph. You die.

F) The studio audience shares a laugh with you and the credits roll before fading to black.

About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He's the publisher of Savage Henry Magazine.

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