It seems very wrong to use your house key to gouge the word “cocksucker” into the side of a Mercedes Benz 770, until you find out that it belongs to Adolf Hitler. It also seems wrong to bend the rules of Nature to accommodate humans, until you find out that Nature is a Heartless Bitch who doesn’t give a fuck about you and weighs you in carbon and energy.
Nature is mean. Like kid-burning-the-toys-in-Toy Story mean. Like Judge-Doom-melt-the-cute-little-shoe-in-the-vat-of-“dip” mean. It plays cute to get what it wants and in the end everyone dies.
We are so far removed from Nature’s wrath that we feed raccoons little morsels of food and then get surprised when they keep coming back with their babies. Don’t feed raccoons. When you run out of morsels they will eat your eyes while you sleep.
We are soft and vulnerable and keep a layer of rubber between Mother Nature and ourselves. Think about the last time you walked to the mailbox barefoot. Yowch.
I almost fell off my bicycle the first time I heard Kurt Cobain say, “Nature is a whore.” I was pretty naive. Now that I’m grownupskis I realize that nature is actually worse than a whore. A whore will leave you tied up to a bed for your wallet. Nature will leave you tied up to a cliff for a buzzard.
You can’t even call the police on nature. A 2-ton oak limb falls through your roof. You think that oak’s going to pay? It doesn’t even have insurance.
If the universe were the Movie Friday, Nature would be Deebo, with the exception that she kept stealing bikes and gold chains indefinitely after you and everyone you knew was dead.
Nature is cruel.