empty beer bottle and car key behind bars, don't drink and drive concept

Never Get Another DUI

Adam Jacobs, contributor

Driving Under the Influence can ruin your life and in the state of California you can get a DUI for being high on weed. That’s fucked up. When I’m stoned I drive way better than when I’m sober. I drive slower, pay more attention to butterflies, obey all traffic laws, and stop at every drive-thru. I think it’s counterproductive that they are giving DUIs for marijuana, so here are my best tricks to avoiding an expensive DUI.

Suck cop’s dick or clit – Simple, get down there and make it happen. If they resist, go harder. They eventually will let you into the pleasure zone. This only applies if you got pulled over, so don’t just try and suck random cops’ dicks/clits.

Keister police and/or vehicle – Duh, if you get pulled over, just shove that pesky cop right up your poop chute.  Heck, ram that squad car up there too…no need for evidence. Then just poop them out and flush away the remnants. Wash your hands after you use the bathroom every time.

Order a pizza for delivery – The driver has to go to your house anyway, so hide in their trunk.  This is a foolproof plan because if you get caught, just say you were kidnapped by the pizza delivery dude. Who are they going to believe, a teenage pizza dude or an upstanding drunk guy tied up in the trunk of an ‘84 Toyota Tercel?

Train a colony of ants – Why haven’t I thought of this before? Simply train a colony of ants to carry you around. We all know from elementary school that ants can carry 5,000 times their own weight, so you do the math… a whole bunch of ants could carry your drunk/high ass home at the end of the night. No cop is writing a few million little ant tickets. Only hard part is training the ants, but you’ll figure it out.

Get a jetpack, you pussy – There are no laws saying you can’t fly a jetpack drunk or stoned. If there are, then just fly away, since no cops have jetpacks, you dipshit. Plus, jetpacks are super cool, dude.

Fake a Google Driverless Car – This is that high tech shit.  Slouch real low in your driver’s seat and put a weird metal contraption on the roof of your car. Everyone will just think it’s a Google Driverless car.  It helps to print out a sign with “Google Driverless Car” on it and put on the doors. That’s how Steve Jobs died.

Set yourself on fire – No cop is going to give a burning man a DUI, but if your car is dusty and “Burning Man 2016” is scribbled in the dirt, you are getting strip-searched, dude.

Order an Uber– Be responsible for once. Order an Uber and just before they arrive, call the police. Trust me, tell the police there is a guy in an Uber who is eating all the donuts in the county and there will be cops there in seconds. Wait until they are busy with the donut heist and drive away DUI free, baby.

Good luck out there and seriously, don’t drive drunk, just stoned. But don’t do that either.

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