William Head, contributor

You want “Old Timey”? How about my dick? No really. Grey pubes! Think about that for a second. How would that make your Monday morning Cronut™ taste, huh? Because that’s how I take my coffee now: extra hot, so that I might feel sensation all the way down in my salt & pepper pubic region. Grey pubes, y’all. Laugh it the fuck up.

It’s other things, too. The other day I made a sandwich and without even thinking about it, I cut it in half, just like my grandma used to do, back when grandma’ing was a thing. I looked at it in embarrassment, but reasoned that it was probably a more sensible way to eat a sandwich, after all.

Mind you, I once got a blow job from a street prostitute who may or may not have had developmental problems. I got my first tattoo in a trailer park kitchen from a guy on methamphetamines while listening to his questionable theories on the moon landing, but now I cut my sandwiches in half because it’s “the sensible thing to do.”

I was so embarrassed I wanted to take a picture and upload it under the warning, “Look at what my pussy ass just did” but I didn’t, because uploading pictures of your food is the only thing more pathetic than cutting your peanut butter sandwich in half, and I am clinging to that distinction like “Hang In There Kitty”.

Also I reference cat memes now.

But that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is that it’s happening inside my mind. That transformation, where you start to just shut off and dismiss “whatever it is the kids are doing these days”. I swore I’d never let it happen to me, but I’m already starting to come around to the way They think. I mean, there are only so many Chris Brown arrests, Batman reboots or Miley Cyrus nipple pix that I can process before I just go into shut off and want nothing more than to listen to old Sonic Youth records*.

*Sonic Youth is old now. Also I lied: I can look at Miley Cyrus nipple pix all day; just don’t ask me to listen to any of her records**.

** I call them records still. Sonic Youth is old. The Cure is even older. My pubes are grey.


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