The New Bill of Rights

It is becoming clear that the government of this nation no longer cares about the rights of its people. Citizens are executed, without trial, by drone strike; our digital freedoms are trampled, in the name of national security, by a spying Big Brother; and urban youths are gunned down in the streets by a police force outfitted with military weaponry.

I hereby propose a new Bill of Rights, pertinent to Now, our time, our people, in this modern age — a Bill of Rights made anew by us, for us.

1st Article: The Arby’s on Lakeshore should be open later than 11 pm on weeknights.
How preposterous that now, in 2014, a man can’t roll off his couch, get into his mom’s Yaris, and drive two  miles away to enjoy a roast beef sandwich at 11:12 pm on a Tuesday. For some of us hardworking citizens a Tuesday is like a Friday or a Saturday. I thought the Dark Ages were over. Why do we allow the government to limit our freedoms in this way? Enough is enough.

2nd Article: I should be allowed in the Arby’s on 5th and Pine again.
The Arby’s on Lakeshore is two miles away. The Arby’s on 5th and Pine is a block from me. I make one mistake and I suddenly have to go two whole miles to get some Arby’s? Innocent blood is being spilled in the streets, and I have to deal with this? Mom’s Yaris needs a new transmission — what happens if it doesn’t run anymore someday? I have to walk two miles to get some Arby’s?

3rd Article: You should be allowed to bring your cats into Arby’s.
I understand some people don’t like pet hair near their food. I understand some people are allergic to cats. That’s fine. But I brought the cats in under my trench coat. I didn’t let them out of my trench coat until that idiot assistant manager Neil came over and tore my trench coat open! If not for Neil, the cats would still be under the trench coat right now, and I’d be eating Arby’s at the 5th and Pine location instead of sitting outside the Lakeshore location at 11:12 pm on a Tuesday.

4th Article: Why are the prices at the Arby’s on Lakeshore different than the prices at the Arby’s on 5th and Pine?
This is so stupid. I’m not made of money, OK? If I wanted to spend another twenty cents a sandwich I would have driven all the way over to the Lakeshore Arby’s to begin with. But I didn’t want to. And if you really think about it, I’m paying more than that, even, because of all the gas I have to put into mom’s Yaris to get there. I think there’s an exhaust leak or something, because it doesn’t get the mileage it used to.  And like, that’s another thing that’s racist, because the Lakeshore Arby’s is near the projects and the 5th and Pine Arby’s is in a nice, safe, white neighborhood, and how come minorities and now me have to pay twenty cents more a sandwich?

5th Article: Neil should be fired.
Neil is a lot like Hitler. And didn’t we Americans fight Hitler in World War II? No one person should be given the power to “allow” or “disallow” people from going to the Arby’s on 5th and Pine. Who died and made you Hitler, Neil? Also, your dumb nu-metal goatee looks really lame, dude. Is this because I broke your Game Gear? I can’t even believe this is happening to me. I’m so hungry.


About Zack Newkirk


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