Drew Jersey, contributor
Did you see this shit? A company from California has invented a robot that makes, bakes, and delivers pizza pies. What the fuck. Everyone knows the best pizza-making-and-delivery-robots come from the East Coast. There’s no way Californian pizza-making-and-delivery-robots are better than pizza-making-and-delivery-robots from New Jersey. No way. First off, the crust. The crust that accumulates around the spinning wheels of a New Jersey pizza-making-and-delivery-robot is tough but flaky, and well-seasoned from the actual seasons. Meanwhile, the crust collected on the wheels of California pizza-making-and-delivery-robots is spongy and sandy. Fact.
Second of all, it’s the water. New Jersey pizza-making-and-delivery-robots run on hard water from Livingston, while California does not. Third, the sauce used to lubricate the Californian pizza-making-and-delivery-robots is so generic it could be used to lubricate any food-making-and-delivery-robot.
And the toppings. Cali pizza-making-and-delivery-robots are topped with logos or warning signs, or worse, a Giants logo. Thanks for ruining pizza-making-and-delivery-robots, San Francisco. Get outta here.