New Spot Reinvents Old Fave

FC Sierra, contributor

Move over, donuts!. Nobody cares about you anymore. Step aside, cupcakes. Just because a bunch of moms with face tattoos and fat ex-felons owned cupcake shops last year doesn’t mean 2015 is yours. Fuck you, pancakes, you’re not my father.

THERE’S A NEW REVOLUTION HAPPENING IN BREAKFAST SNACKS THIS YEAR, and who better to lead the charge but Jax Garber? Garber, the famed and feared local cookster whose previous venture in town, bagel restaurant Donny’s Ashes, burst into flames 9 years ago, is determined to change the breakfast landscape downtown. “Donny’s Ashes wasn’t a failure, it was just too ambitious. “We were trying to do with bagels what vapes have done for weed smoking,” Garber tells me as we sit in his still-unopened new space, “It just turns out that selling vaporized bagel air for people to breathe into their lungs was about 10 years ahead of its time. And also not legal. And supes-dangerous, if you believe what the FDA says. And the police. Anyway, I’m past that. The civil suit settled out of court and I served my jail time. It’s time for a new step.”

That step, is I AM JAX BREAKFAST. Garber plans to serve one food: Waffles. His game-changing idea? Variety. Here are some of the options currently planned for the opening (:

The Hey Strawberry!: Strawberry & Whipped Cream ($6)

The Italian: Pizza-Waffle ($6)

The Grammy: This waffle doesn’t matter. (Your artistic integrity)

The Spouse: Waffle of your choice. We give it to you, then take it away after 2 bites. Then we refuse to give it back unless you let us know we’re wanted. Then we give it back to you in small amounts, but it’s not as good and we resent you for it. ($9, Your Spirit)

The San Franciscan: Small Whole Grain Waffle, slight urine essence, raised to accept but resent all others (First 2 bites are $5 each, then an additional $65 for each subsequent bite, after which you are forcibly removed from the restaurant so a wealthier person can eat)

The SNL 40: Extra Large Waffle, Only some of the bites are really tasty, the rest are just filler, but it’s worth it. (3 1/2 hours of your life)

[Note: These items are subject to change.]

 

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