A Non-Smoker’s Approach To Humboldt

Danny Felts, contributor

Hello, Humboldt/Other California-y Places,  It’s my understanding that you guys have a lot going on right now. Well, let me restate that, actually. You have aLL of IT going on now. and that’s because it’s fall, and your reputation precedes you, and, well–dammit. I’m just going to say it. You’re surrounded by marijuana. all of the marijuana, in fact. So much so that from multiple sources I’ve heard that the only way Humboldt and other counties survive financially is because of this one time of the year. It’s ridiculous. I want to say that there’s probably not some guy wearing a bandana trying to stuff a cartoonish amount of weed into a closet — much like a kid throwing all his toys in a overpacked closet, only to have the closet burst open — but I really can’t guarantee that. With you guys, there’s just too many hypotheticals I can’t foresee/control.

Which puts me in a weird position, because I don’t smoke any marijuana. None. Not even a little.

I don’t smoke it. I don’t eat it. aND YET! I still enjoy coming down to your fair cities to perform stand-up comedy. Clearly, we get along fine enough. I mean, for God’s sake, I stayed in a house there recently that had no less than five marionettes in it. But if we’re going to keep interacting with each other amicably, we should at least know each other’s boundaries. Our “triggers,” if you will. Fortunately for myself, my fair city has proved worthy enough to have a television show made about it, and all my weak points are there. Hip person malaise, an abundance of dogs with poor respiratory systems (the pugsley). I know what my trouble spots are, and I’m working on them.

Which is why for this year’s HaRVEST issue, I’ve prepared what I would refer to as the Non-Smokers’ State of the Union. Here are your “trouble spots,” Humboldt. You don’t have to stop smoking; just think about these things before you do.

#1. Your motorists
This one hits home for me, Humboldt. Because technically, this is a Portland problem. Our drivers are famous for not knowing even one shit about how a four- way intersection works, and yet, you’ve beaten us. You guys have managed to garner worse city drivers than Portland, OR. Your pedestrians walk all over you, your motorists sit at intersections as if there were some grand questions that demanded answering/no driving right then and there. Stop it. I’m not saying don’t contemplate the beauty of life’s majesty; just make sure you haven’t smoked so much that you’re like a trucker who’s been on the road for 36 hours. Pull over and take a nap.

#2 The Street People
Again, this is conflicting for me because Portland also has a slew of crusty people walking around, but yours? Woof. Your homeless are so homeless, they’ve become proficient at it. The last time I was there I saw a woman walk up to me, ask for gas for her motorcycle (she did so with a cardboard sign), and then after saying I couldn’t give her money for gas she flipped the sign around which at that point just said “Beer Money?” Your homeless are so much so that they’ve actually become efficient at it. It may take millions of years but at this point you are pretty much ground zero for starting a new species of man. a “homeless-sapien,” if you will. an organism that in 2 million years may have evolved to grow a coarse skin to write messages on, or that may have a skin flap that acts as a makeshift trenchcoat. Gross.

See what you can do about this stuff by the time I get back. Honestly, at this point, my next trip will be a success as long as I don’t see more than four Bob Marley tapestries.


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