Scott Bowser, contributor
Since I’ve been in commercials that have appeared on basic cable I’ve become quite the Hollywood elite. Hours of lounging by pools and brunching have worn me down to a nub when it comes to social gatherings. It’s a little too much. I keep my public appearances to a minimum now. However, the party never stops with all these characters floating around in my noggin. Consider this your exclusive VIP pass to the party. That will be $500.
The Optimistic Gambler
This dude usually shows up on Sundays, thinks he’s really smart and burns through my disposable income like an old lady on a reverse mortgage. He needs to show up to the party Saturday night like everyone else.
The Too Soon Joke Guy
This dude has the WORST timing and always gets me in trouble at the party. He texts things like “That was the biggest mass shooting in Nevada since Hugh Heffner’s final visit to the Bunny Ranch.” Usually hovering around the hors d’oeuvres at funerals like a shark circling prey.
The Old Asian Man
He reminds me to smoke extra long cigarettes when I’m hanging with The Optimistic Gambler at underground Russian Roulette games.
The White Woman
I have an X chromosome too and unfortunately my inner white woman is a TERF that thinks other voices should be heard. Just as long as it’s after hers.
El Borracho (The Drunk)
The lucha libre superstar that is constantly wrestling with my internal demons. “Finished” Move: 30 Cervezas.
Sorry about him he’s off playing Star Wars: Commander on his iPhone all day trying to quell the Rebel insurgents on Hoth.
The Baseball Nerd
Good to have around when it’s time to clear people out. Once he tells everyone Anthony Rizzo had the same slugging percentage at home and on the road this season you know the party is over.
Watching the whole party unfold like the circle jerk life is.
The pivot man in the circle jerk of life.
Confuses being active with activism. Considers Wiffle Ball strenuous activity. Not a real activist or very active.
The Mackenzie Phillips
Seriously no clue why she’s always lingering around at these things. I’ll continue to try and figure it out One Day At A Time.
The Serial (Tab) Killer
Has been using comedy as a front for years to prey on new shows that allow comics a certain threshold for free drinks and food and abusing it until new regulations are put in place. Looking at you Killarney’s.
If you see anyone on this list you’ve officially gone mad. Please report yourself to the nearest mental health authorities.