If People in Other Professions Acted Like Cops

Zeke Herrera, staff

Movie Theater Attendant

MTA: Hey, I just caught you texting.

Me: I’m sorry, I’ll put it away.

MTA: Actually, it’s a $240 fine.

Me: I don’t want to pay that.

MTA: Well, you can apply for a chance to contest it and if we arbitrarily agree to it you can come back and try to convince my manager to start hating money.

Me: I don’t live around here.

MTA: Well, you have to drive back here and pay for another movie and snacks.

Me: I’m not going to do that.

MTA: Well, you’re banned from every movie theatre.

Fire Fighter

Me: Help! I’m trapped in this burning building!

FF: What’s going on here?

Me: I’m trapped in a burning building!

FF: I understand that but how’d you get trapped, and who started the fire?

Me: I don’t know, I just want to be outside!

FF: Well, you’re not giving us a lot of evidence to work with. Is there anybody who might want your stuff to be on fire?

Me: I don’t know, an arsonist, maybe?!?!?!

FF: Well, we’ll look into it but these things don’t normally pan out.

Me: I just don’t want to be on fire!

FF: We’ll call you if we get new information.


EMT: Pull over!

Me: I’m sorry, did I do something?

EMT: Do you know how high you blood pressure is?

Me: Idk… 85?

EMT: 107

Me: I’m so sorry, I’ll eat some kale.

EMT: Insurance info.

Me: Here ya go.

EMT: This expired last month. Step out of the car. How much have had to eat today?

2nd EMT: He’s got Funyuns and Slim Jims in the back seat.

Me: Those aren’t mine!

EMT: That’s enough for me, you’re going to the cheese factory.


Astronaut: Put the gun down!

Me: I don’t have a gun!

Astronaut: Put it down or I’ll shoot!

Me: Not holding anything! See!

Astronaut: This is one small bullet for man, one giant gun shot for YOU!!!

Me: *gets shot*

Astronaut: He had a knife, you all saw it!

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