Zeke Herrera, staff
Movie Theater Attendant
MTA: Hey, I just caught you texting.
Me: I’m sorry, I’ll put it away.
MTA: Actually, it’s a $240 fine.
Me: I don’t want to pay that.
MTA: Well, you can apply for a chance to contest it and if we arbitrarily agree to it you can come back and try to convince my manager to start hating money.
Me: I don’t live around here.
MTA: Well, you have to drive back here and pay for another movie and snacks.
Me: I’m not going to do that.
MTA: Well, you’re banned from every movie theatre.
Me: Help! I’m trapped in this burning building!
FF: What’s going on here?
Me: I’m trapped in a burning building!
FF: I understand that but how’d you get trapped, and who started the fire?
Me: I don’t know, I just want to be outside!
FF: Well, you’re not giving us a lot of evidence to work with. Is there anybody who might want your stuff to be on fire?
Me: I don’t know, an arsonist, maybe?!?!?!
FF: Well, we’ll look into it but these things don’t normally pan out.
Me: I just don’t want to be on fire!
FF: We’ll call you if we get new information.
EMT: Pull over!
Me: I’m sorry, did I do something?
EMT: Do you know how high you blood pressure is?
Me: Idk… 85?
Me: I’m so sorry, I’ll eat some kale.
EMT: Insurance info.
Me: Here ya go.
EMT: This expired last month. Step out of the car. How much have had to eat today?
2nd EMT: He’s got Funyuns and Slim Jims in the back seat.
Me: Those aren’t mine!
EMT: That’s enough for me, you’re going to the cheese factory.
Astronaut: Put the gun down!
Me: I don’t have a gun!
Astronaut: Put it down or I’ll shoot!
Me: Not holding anything! See!
Astronaut: This is one small bullet for man, one giant gun shot for YOU!!!
Me: *gets shot*
Astronaut: He had a knife, you all saw it!