Pete’s Saw

Cornell Reid, staff

 

When I heard the theme for this issue was all focused on Pete’s saw I was so excited. I mean how could you not be? Pete’s saw is so fucking dope! But the saw isn’t the only thing that’s special; Pete’s story is pretty special too. I can’t believe you guys not only know Pete, but you’ve also seen that badass saw. Anyway, since you guys are all familiar with Pete’s saw then let me tell you the history behind it:

 

Pete got that saw as a young child from his loving father Roni, or Pappy Roni as Pete called him. Pappy Roni took Pete’s saw straight to the ranch and gave it to Pete. Oh man, Pete was so happy. He said, “Thank you Pappy Roni!” and then he dabbed Pappy Roni’s face with a napkin before giving him a big ole french kiss on the mouth. (French kissing was accepted amongst fathers and sons back in those days, as long as the father’s mouth was dabbed prior to the tongue being inserted into the mouth.)

 

Pappy Roni usually needed a good dab with the napkin anyway because he was the greasiest man in town, which was an attractive trait at the time. Since Pappy Roni was so greasy, everybody loved Pappy Roni and couldn’t wait to see him all over Pete’s saw. Pete loved watching his Pappy saw away, because he was a saw master. There wasn’t nothing that Pappy Roni could not cut.

 

Pappy Roni wasn’t all great, though. Not only did he give people terrible indigestion, but he was an alcoholic as well. If Pappy Roni was drinking he was awful mean to Pete. Pete eventually convinced Pappy Roni to stop drinking, which was very sweet of the old man to give up drinking for his son. But boy did he love the sauce. He was always thinking about guzzling down that sauce. There’s no doubt about it, Pappy Roni loved to drink and when he wasn’t drinking he had a hankering for the sauce. The sauce itch is what he called it. After a while, Pappy Roni and sauce itch were virtually inseparable, but he stayed sober so he could stay on Pete’s saw.

 

One day Pappy Roni took Pete and his saw to a giant festival celebrating the Bay of Fundi, the Hudson Bay and many others. It was a giant convention for the bays of Canada known as Canadian Bay Con.

 

Pete loved the bay con so much that he spent his years allowance on stickers and other memorabilia that he promptly stuck all over his saw. That is how Pete’s Saw got covered in Canadian Bay Con memorabilia. This pissed Pappy Roni off, because Pappy Roni wanted to be the only thing on Pete’s Saw, not all this Canadian Bay Con memorabilia. So Pappy Roni gave in to his sauce itch and got really, really drunk. After drinking he cussed out Pete and socked him in the gut, then he hopped in the driver’s seat of his Chevy Tahoe and drove off a bridge in what the cops declared a sui-marinara-cide.

 

Pappy Roni drifting off to the afterlife broke poor Pete’s heart, so he vowed to make the most of his saw.

 

He never crusted anyone ever again, and he cried every second of every day for the rest of his life.

 

His crust had forever been broken.

 

His saw looked fucking awesome, though.

 

Anyway that’s the history of Pete’s saw. So crazy that you guys all know about Pete and his saw. Glad I could share the tale.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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