Pizza Illuminati

Papa John? Little Caesars? Round Table? Pizza Hut? Domino’s?

What pizza does the Illuminati prefer?

 

If you said Little Caesars then you would be correct.

 

Let’s be honest, the Illuminati doesn’t have time to wait around for a pizza to cook; they have the entire world to run! That’s why, when they need pizza, they choose Little Caesars.

 

Little Caesars is always hot and ready all the time, so Celine Dion and Will Smith can grab their pizza on the go. And the Little Caesars storefronts are so conveniently located that Will Smith hardly has enough time to hide his lizard face before he gets there.

 

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “But isn’t Papa John a part of the Illuminati? Why doesn’t he bring the pizza?”

 

Well, as all Illuminati members really know, Papa John has been dead for 600 years and has only existed as an alcohol-fueled hologram, the first of its kind. Shia Labeouf is the newer model.

 

Since Papa John only consumes alcohol, he never thinks enough of the rest of the Illuminati to bring some of his famous diarrhea pizza pies for his friends.

 

Plus Jay-Z and George W. Bush and the rest of this secret club had a blind taste test and the fresh Hot & Ready Pizzas satisfied those long lizard tongues each and every time.

The Illuminati bunker is deep in the center of the earth, and even though there are some Domino’s franchised by mole people down there, the Illuminati knows they will save time by cruising past those Domino’s and heading straight to Little Caesars. How can your store be in the center of the earth, surrounded by hot molten lava, yet it still takes you a half hour to cook your pizza? How is that possible?

 

Even though there are no Little Caesars located in the center of the Earth, they embrace the heat from the depths of hell and use it to fuel their ovens, meaning their pizzas are ready for you to eat nice and piping hot, cooked with the souls of sinners, delivering a distinct flavor you can taste.

 

So if you’re wondering just what makes Little Caesars pizza taste a little better than all the others, remember that the crust literally has the souls of sinners baked right in it for you, the lucky pizza consumer.

 

Make the choice the secret council who run this planet want you to make, and choose Little Caesars.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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