Justin Gomes, contributor
Hello there, Reader! Take off your ironic leggings and shave off that hipster beard. Let me lead you down a road of nostalgia paved with Space Jam VHS tapes and Tamagotchis. The 90s was a hectic time, the Great American Empire recently traded their Cold War for a nice hot war in the desert. Grunge, Rap and Electronic music found a home in the walkmans of the world’s youth. A handful of genocides happened here and there while a bunch of nerds were building what would become the Internet. More important than all of this, however, were the people getting it on. I’m talking procreation, I’m talking about carnal knowledge of one-another’s bodies. Getting wiggly. The 90s was full of bonin’ and said bonin’ was about as 90s as it could get; hot steamy sex in a fast paced multicultural in-your-face world. There were a few prime locales for bangin’ unique to the 1990s, and if you missed out then I hope you don’t mind the rest of us bragging!
Feb. 14th 1991, Persian Gulf, Deck of the U.S.S. John F. Kennedy, Operation Desert Storm
Dangerous sex is always exciting. Whether you’re sneaking off into a room at a house party, getting busted by the cops in a roadside quickie, or getting frisky in a den of bears, if your life is in danger because of your need to mate than you are an idiot- and who cares BECAUSE IT’S GREAT. Almost as great as participating in some adult fraternization with a fellow deckmate as an F-15 roars past. Imagine the rush of climaxing as your shipmates flew off to liberate the Kuwaiti people. PROTIP: It’s called a poop deck for a reason.
Sep. 3rd, 1998, Disneyland, Rocket Rods, Tomorrowland
Nothing is sexier than the future, and good ol’ Walt knew that when he thought up Tomorrowland. Late one lonely night, fueled by a steady diet of Spanish Fly, Morphine and a raging hard on, Disney sketched up the infamous Peoplemover. The Peoplemover was the only monorail in the world that you had to ride a monorail to get to. It was Walt’s white-washed family friendly utopian answer to public transportation. Then the 90s came around, and Leave It To Beaver just wasn’t sexy anymore. The public wasn’t content to simply be Peoplemoved, who has time for that? Entering stage right we have the Rocket Rods. A fast-paced bullet of a monorail that would fling guests about at over mach 5 before slowing down to 3 mph for every turn. True Mouseketeers would use that precious 10 second turn to switch positions, only to race to climax with their partner as the pod sped through Tomorrowland. The ride existed for about 2 years before it started to ruin the track from its high speeds and semen-related rust and corrosion.
July 3rd, 1999. Houston, Texas. Enron Company HQ
If power is sexy, then what could be sexier than controlling electricity? After a long hard day of manipulating power rates and causing rolling blackouts to spread across California there’s only one way to relax: copious amounts of drugs and sex with high-class escorts. Yeah, you’re the smartest guy in the room, but you can’t decide which is giving you a bigger boner right now; is it the insane amounts of money you and your friends are stealing from fellow Americans? Is it the Scarface sized mountain of cocaine on the boardroom table? Or is it the giant 90s boobies of this expensive prostitute on your lap? Take a few more of those Viagra pills the CEO is passing around and maybe you’ll be able to keep it up until the feds bust everyone for being evil greedmongers.