Polar Myths De-Myth-tified

Dr. Foxmeat, contributor

Here are just a few things you probably didn’t know about these frozen extremities of our mother Gaia:

1) The Poles Aren’t ACTUAL Poles

This should come as no surprise to anyone who’s ever thought for a fucking second about it. For starters, it’s WAY too cold at the actual poles to support a healthy post hole. How would you even procure a shovel? Have you ever seen a penguin with a shovel head or even a sturdy enough stick with which one could fashion a handle? The idea is ludicrous! The reason they are called the “poles” is due in part the naturally formed horn-like structures that protrude from the ground in these regions. These structures form when vapors from the world’s candy factories cool and precipitate a sickly sweet dew that coalesces into the magnificent spire we know today as the poles. Confectional anthropologists theorize this could be origin of such classic treats as the candy cane, candy corn horns, and candied crumbly-crust tiggles.

2) There’s No Such Thing As Penguins

Think about it… Have you even seen a penguin in real life? Some of you will say, “Of course I have! I saw them at a zoo or some shit.” Let me ask you this: were they behind glass? This is the oldest trick in the book. The zoo or museum will set up a glass enclosure, then using projectors and mirrors will magnify the image of a couple of parakeets spray-painted to look like the mythical penguin, onto the glass. Once you know this is how they do it, it looks hella fake.

3) No one Knows WHERE The Actual Poles Are

That’s right. While the AI computer brain programmed by Keith Felton (aptly named “BRAIN Wilson”) places the south pole somewhere between area 51 and area 52 — and attributes many of the UFO phenomenon to the congealing of the candy horn also known as a “gods’ fallus” by the indigenous peoples of Fresno — the north pole, on the other hand, is believed to be somewhere in the far east. Probably Reno or Sparks, NV.

4) Polar Bears Are The Most Privileged of All Bear Species

White privilege doesn’t stop at the human level, but extends into the animal kingdom as well. A 2013 survey showed that as many as 63% of all Polar Bears have trust funds well into the six-figure range. More business applications have been filed for tech startups in the northern polar region than the Bay Area, Silicon Valley, and Bakersfield combined! While some hack scientists will tell you the dwindling polar bear population has something do with “global warming,” in actuality David Attenborough theorizes that in recent years “Male Polar Bears have just become hella douche-y and most females are finding themselves more stimulated by Black bears. They have better rhythm.”

5) Courtney Love Killed Kurt Cobain

Probably the most controversial issue surrounding the poles is who was responsible for the death of 90s grunge icon Kurt Cobain? Most climate scientists agree that Courtney Love is a drug-addled train wreck, fueled by money and fame not earned by her as much as her association with her late husband. Since data has only been collected on this subject since mid 1991, it’s still too early to extrapolate any hard facts other than that Pretty on the Inside was a decent album and Courtney should be given a small modicum of credit for her involvement in the record even though it was pretty clearly Eric Erlandsons’ songwriting that lended itself to the foreboding landscape the record conjures in the mind’s eye. Same goes for Live Through This with Kurt taking on the mantle of head songwriter. This is why it is believed that he was murdered. The album featured several examples of “backward masking” wherein Satan weaves his spellcraft on unwitting youths. One of these messages translates roughly to “kill the golden haired one. He is the voice of a generation. I hate you, dad.” and it is thought that while recording, Courtney was entranced by this subconscious command, and on September 11th, 2001, she succumbed to its will and killed her husband by crashing his plane (piloted by John Denver’s bones) into the space needle.

So there you have it! Pretty shocking to see it all compiled like this. I didn’t even get into whether or not Eskimos are real, or the ridiculous amount of effort it takes for me to go to the bathroom in these pants! I mean… what do I need all these straps and zippers for? Man… they are some SICK looking pants, though! I saw Jonathan Davis from KORN had a pair like them, and when I spied them in the window at Spencer’s, I knew those puppies were going home with me. I spilled a little Code Red Mountain Dew on the leg, but I just tell people it’s blood from my Katana blade.

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