Poverty is like quicksand

Julius Maddox, contributor

The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. It’s an odd coincidence that this would be the topic for this issue considering that I’m currently homeless. I had been living in my friend’s garage for the past six months, and I guess they finally grew tired of it. I guess you can say I overstayed my welcome. Some of the obstacles I’ve come across during this time I didn’t see coming. So I’d like to give you the reader a few tricks of the trade.

  • One of the hardest parts about being homeless is finding a place to masturbate. I recommend public restrooms. Make sure that the door is locked and turn the sink on and let the water run to cover up any masturbation noises.

  • As an experienced alcoholic, I would like to give tips on avoiding any sort of public drinking tickets. I recommend acquiring a flask for hard alcohol. Use soft drink fountain cups for beer, and Powerade bottles for wine. Be sure to get the purple Powerade to be even more inconspicuous.
  • For hygiene, I recommend enrolling in a local gym. This is the only place where it is socially acceptable to shave and brush your teeth in public.
  • If you get really desperate, or the weather is just too miserable, find a fat girl to sleep with for the night — or if you’re gay, an old man. And yes… you do have to have sex with them. : /
  • Last but not least, I would like to say that your charm will be your number one tool for survival. Sooo yah know, don’t be a dick.

About Savage Henry

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