Julius Maddox, contributor
The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. It’s an odd coincidence that this would be the topic for this issue considering that I’m currently homeless. I had been living in my friend’s garage for the past six months, and I guess they finally grew tired of it. I guess you can say I overstayed my welcome. Some of the obstacles I’ve come across during this time I didn’t see coming. So I’d like to give you the reader a few tricks of the trade.
One of the hardest parts about being homeless is finding a place to masturbate. I recommend public restrooms. Make sure that the door is locked and turn the sink on and let the water run to cover up any masturbation noises.
- As an experienced alcoholic, I would like to give tips on avoiding any sort of public drinking tickets. I recommend acquiring a flask for hard alcohol. Use soft drink fountain cups for beer, and Powerade bottles for wine. Be sure to get the purple Powerade to be even more inconspicuous.
- For hygiene, I recommend enrolling in a local gym. This is the only place where it is socially acceptable to shave and brush your teeth in public.
- If you get really desperate, or the weather is just too miserable, find a fat girl to sleep with for the night — or if you’re gay, an old man. And yes… you do have to have sex with them. : /
- Last but not least, I would like to say that your charm will be your number one tool for survival. Sooo yah know, don’t be a dick.