Against “Progress”

Choada Salinas, staff

Progressives are stupid. They seem to think that “progress” is the answer to all of their problems. What they can’t understand is that “progress” is the problem. They built a house of cards on a fundamentally flawed idea and it’s bound to come fluttering down. “Progressives” can’t even say what “progress” actually means. Every time I ask one of those meat-headed mealy-mouthed libtards they just spout that Communist Muslim Obummer’s party line about peace, justice, and equality — all of which are bad for business and quintessentially Anti-American.

Just look what’s happened in the past century alone – two world wars, women voting, people who aren’t white trying to be so, poor people learning to read, Lady Gaga, the Rich Gang and countless other abominations of true freedom, which means my right to impose my values on your ass. What we need is a return to old-timey values, to roll back the clock on all that “progress” and give the moral majority, represented by yours truly, the pious and humble prophet shoeChucker, blessed be my name, back my rightful place at the head of the table. The main problem with ‘progress’ is that it means more and more people are trying to take a slice of my pie. Saint Beck of the Glenn put it best when he said, “I want my pie.” I don’t want to share anything with you lowly peons. You’re not worth my time and you’re definitely not worth one redskin cent of the money I extracted from your retirement fund. If you’re too stupid to realize what’s really going on, that’s just social Darwinism – the only kind of Darwinism approved by Jesus.

So there is a conflict of interest. You value yourself and I value me. This is why your Prophets and Saints work so hard to convince you that our interests are actually yours. After all, we represent the job-creators. If it weren’t for us, you’d still be living in caves and eating fresh food. You may be thinking that this is what makes “progressives” smarter, that they somehow magically see through the Messianic messages we’ve been spoon-feeding the public ever since it claimed a spot on the couch. But consider the mental effort it takes to maintain real old-timey values in the face of all this “progress.” That alone should prove that anti-progressives have superior mental capacity. We can hold several conflicting ideas in our heads and still believe them all.

Also consider the fact that “progressives” continue to reproduce the exact problems they are constantly bitching about. Which, of course, is the underlying reason they are so stupid and easy to manipulate. Since we define the parameters in which they can drive their Subarus and smoke their weed (just wait until it’s federally legal and we can really profit from their chemically-enhanced idiocy) then we have total control over what they can really say and do. Even the so-called “smart” people are either kept out of the public eye or otherwise discounted as sex-crazed hedonists. Sure, we serve up the occasional obtuse twit blathering about Hitchcock and Hegel into a megaphoned mic-check of ever-more mindless minions, but that just serves to make the rest of the morons even more moronic.

Old-timey values are all about controlling the boundaries of your thought. This is exactly what we’ve paid Saints Palin, Coulter, Hannity, and others to do. We’ve gutted the educational system and filled in the empty space with ideological tools. They’re far less expensive than sharing any of our pie. Those stupid “progressives” don’t even realize the game is already lost.


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