Rob McManus, contributor
Hello, and congratulations on owning your very own gun! I believe it is the duty of all Americans, regardless of criminal history, to own a firearm. Owning a firearm ensures your family’s safety and also assures the immediate demise of any body or spirit entity wishing to inflict harm on said fam fam. But with great responsibility comes great responsibility. I think that is the correct expression.
Gun safety is vitally important. Always keep your firearm loaded, cocked, and aimed at your head. Just kidding, we gun nuts love to joke about gun safety. But seriously, always keep your gun pointed away from you or your pets, so if you have to point it at someone, point it at your own head. Just kidding, that’s another gun safety joke. Never load your gun prior to shooting. Just kidding, it has to be loaded if you want to shoot it. Put cat poop in the barrel of the gun. Just kidding, what would that do? Okay, let’s get serious: GUN SAFETY. Always cock the gun with your cock. Just kidding, that was seriously the last joke. We gun nuts like to joke about gun safety because it’s not that important. That was another joke, sorry. I probably should get serious because proper gun safety can mean the difference between life and death. NOT! Just kidding, it does mean the difference between life and death. That was another joke. Okay I doubled that joke up but in all honesty saying gun safety is not important was a joke. But to be serious, gun safety is not a joke. (Yes it is. Just kidding!) So to get serious, never load the gun in the drive-thru at Wendy’s unless you want REALLY fast food! Good God, I need to stop joking about this. I have had more safety mishaps and injuries than everyone in my gun club.
Okay, safety tip one: always tip your waitresses because they might be packing a gun! THAT WAS THE LAST JOKE I’M GONNA MAKE. Phew! Okay, let’s get serious! Place the stock of the gun against your shoulder, but if it’s a gun that shoots celery, then you put the STALK against your shoulder. I think I’m having a panic attack. I don’t even own a gun. (Just kidding!) Alright, gun safety! Let’s do this! Always have the safety on! (just kidding! No I’m not, just kidding!) Okay, let’s get serious! Always (just kidding) place the (just kidding) gun in a locked (just kidding) box when traveling to (just kidding) the shooting range (just kidding). I’M JUST KIDDING I’M JUST KIDDING. What’s a gun? Just kidding, I know what a gun is. JUST KIDDING, I don’t know what a gun is. Just kidding, I grew up with guns. NOT!