Patrick Dangermond, contributor
State your name.
My name’s Gary and I am a ghost.
What were you like when you were alive?
I was a seventh century professional acteur!
Oh really! So what happened to you?
Oh I was an awful acteur. In fact, after a particularly mundane rendition of John Fletcher’s The Noble Gentleman, I was pelted to death with rotten tomatoes.
Oh that’s awful.
Awful entertaining for the audience though!
[awkward pause and dual blank stares]
Ok! Let’s get back to it. What’s your favorite way to spook someone?
I always enjoy goosing them with a ghost thumb to the rectum.
Gross and terrifying.
And sensual! Ectoplasmic ghost erections can be quite intense!
Yes yes, we are all erect. Right then, who was your favorite person to haunt?
I always enjoyed a good spooking of that delightful Helen Keller. She would make these noises like “HENH HENH HENH” and breathe so heavily. Everyone thought it was a miracle but it was really my thumb up her bum! We all had a good laugh at the ghosting office.
Tell me more about this ghosting office.
Certainly! That’s where we go after a hard night’s work and chat about our days, who we spooked and drink our ghost coffee. On Friday we had these delightful ghost doughnuts and they were ju…
Hold on…what the heck are ghost doughnuts?
Oh they are the best. They are made from phantasmic yeast and the reproductive fluid of a ghost buffalo. They have a certain je ne’sais quoi.
That’s disgusting but also highly appetizing.
You should try them. They have a flavor that will haunt you tastebuds.
Ok, do you have time for one more question?
Yes…I do need to get back to my ghosting though.
If you could go back in time and haunt one person, who would it be?
Hmmm….a fancy question! I believe that I would haunt Ronald Reagan because he seems like the type who would shit his pants with a good scare. Who doesn’t love a good poopy pants party?
Excellent choice. Well thank you for your time and best of luck going into the spooky season.
Thank you and boo to you all!