R.I.P. Illegal Weed

Billy Wayne Davis, contributor

Illegal Cannabis in California passed away on the evening of November 8th, 2016, but not without a fight. Growers, trimmers, smugglers, dealers, and pigfucking politicians alike fought hard to keep you illegal as horse fucking. But the sweet, sweet allure of death’s peaceful elixir was too much, and with that the naughty gatherings, secret grow rooms, shady meet-ups, and the general feel of rebellion passed like a silent fart among old friends. Some could hear it, some could smell it, but we all felt it.

Not to say that all the fun is gone; there are still greedy corporate rules hanging over how much, when, who, and where we can grow it. So the emerald, majestic, and misty hills of Humboldt County will still be alive with the sounds of helicopters, hustlers, and hippies. No one really knows how or where to buy it, how they’ll actually will tax it, enforce it, or punish those who enjoy life with their middle fingers flying. But those who do get caught will only lose some cash, not their freedom, and the ones who’ve already been caught will get that freedom back. THANKS OBAMA. Seriously, he’s commuting a ton of sentences without much fanfare.

Gone are the days when you have to go to some dude’s house who will try to sell you coke when you’re looking for the complete opposite. (I still don’t understand that motherfucker. Y’all know the type, asks for mustard but will take ketchup. Dubya Tee Fuck, homie?) Unless you like doing both those things at the same time, but to me that’s like running a mile and smoking a cigarette. You coulda just done neither and felt the same. I digress.

I guess what I’m saying is, I’ll miss mostly the fun times, illegal weed. I met a lot of cool people in alleys passing you around. I exchanged a lot of interesting ideas after you were puffed up in those alleys, and some really fucking stupid ideas, too. Those are just as important, but I’m glad we’ve moved past your prohibition. Kids aren’t going to be misled in thinking you are just as terrible as smack or crack. It’ll create fewer prisoners and junkies, which is a wonderful thing. Patients will be able to alleviate their suffering without stigma. And hell, there’s always molly to roll on with your rebellion intact.

Thanks for all the fun times, illegal weed. Enjoy your peace on the other side. I’ll say hello next time I’m on DMT, so hold it down over there. And maybe we’ll see you again in a year when Shithead Sessions becomes the Attorney General and you’re brought back from the dead.


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