Hemlines are up, and so are rates of skin cancer. But if you’re addicted to that burn anyway, here are seven signs you should look for if you’re concerned at all about dying from a completely preventable disease:
1) YOUR MOLE SPEAKS IN SPANISH
Moles shouldn’t speak at all. If your mole speaks in Spanish, it’s a sign that the mole is a “foreign mole” (medical term, not mine) and probably aims to do you harm.
2) YOU HAVE MOLES
It’s not natural for the human body to have any moles. So if you have even one, don’t bother even going to the dermatologist — just head straight for the morgue and pick out your slab, pal.
3) YOU HAVE NO MOLES
You probably have cancer either way. Check with your doctor to find out what you should do about your cancer.
5) MOLES. MOLES.
Moles moles moles moles moles.
6) YOUR MOLES SPELL OUT RACIST JOKES
Not OK anymore, moles. Maybe in the 1950s, but not now.
7) YOUR MOLES ARE CHOCOLATE CHIPS
Always check for this one. If they are in fact chocolate chips, just eat the moles and chillax. Stop stressing out so much, dude.