Red Panda Pot Pie

C.B. Kelly, contributor

If you’ve never had the pleasure of putting panda meat in your mouth, then let me tell you… Wait, let me rephrase that. If you’ve never had a panda killed for the teasing of your taste buds’ every whim, then let me tell you, you are throwing away the very taste of freedom, and everything that our meat clogged artery of a country stands for.

Recently, whilst upon my nightly stroll through Eureka’s beautifully crank-infested Sequoia Park, I came upon a magnificent sight, something that would change the course of taste for the rest of history: the highly coveted Red Panda of the redwoods, which I’m pretty sure is totally native to this land. I followed the critter, or maybe more like stalked her, all the way onto some kind of property that would be legal to do this on, then I pounced. I ran home with my prized meat, along with my new Red Panda pelt, and I knew that this Thanksgiving was going to be the best Thanksgiving ever!

Lucky for me, my great great grandma left a whole stack of Panda cookbooks to the family, so I flipped one open and found the best recipe to go with my Red Panda meat. I call it “Red Panda Pot Pie,” or “A’ La Masala,” and it was the hit of the feast, everybody had to know my recipe. So I wrote it down, and here it is, enjoy.

1 whole Red Panda, chopped into 1-inch cubes

1 oz. of freshly chopped weed, because it’s a “Pot” pie, get it?

2 12-oz. Pabst Blue Ribbon cans, sliced and diced

1 quart of whiskey, but make sure it’s in a plastic bottle. Also sliced and diced

1 slice of bacon

1 diced bacon

1 package of Tofurky, you guessed it, sliced and diced

1/2 a slab of bologna. Slice it. And dice it.

1 quart of Kikkoman soy sauce. Slice-izzle. Dice-izzle.

2 dreadlocks, because the power of Gaia will bless your Red Panda Meat if you give some dreads the ol’ sleezy deezy wit yo kneezy into da peezy

Throw your ingredients into a big ass Tupperware container. Close it tight, Duct-Tape it all over. Then stab a couple holes in the top with a fork, but make sure to leave the forks in the top of the Tupperware. Also put a CD on one of the forks. Microwave on high for 60 minutes. Ignore the blue sparks, fire, and smoke pouring from the melting face of your microwave, it’s all part of the flavor. CAUTION: Your Red Panda Pot Pie will be HOT! Put in the freezer overnight, and serve as a frozen block to your family. Follow these steps, and your Red Panda Pot Pie will have the people at your next meal asking “What is your recipe?”

About Isaac Kozell

Isaac Kozell is a New Orleans based Writer and Standup Comedian. He spends his spare time skateboarding, gardening, and reminiscing about that one time back in '99 when he was invited onstage to perform with the band Sugar Ray.

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