Rejected Boone’s Farm Flavors

Chuck Berry HillChuck Berry Hill
What’s better than just getting fucked up? Getting fucked up while listening to some old-ass rock and roll, or at least that’s what they thought. But apparently didn’t like the blend of prunes, new car, and brown-eyed handsome man.

Fozzy NavelFozzy Navel
Wakka Wakka, am I right? Have you heard of this show called “The Muppets”? Of course you have, and so did the people of Boone’s Farm. The liquid is kinda orange, and so is that brainless comical hack of a bear. Let’s combine the two. Well, guess what? It sucks. Who wants felt with the texture of pocket lint in their drink? Plus the way they decided to integrate the bear element was just to add some bear piss. That’s bullshit, man.

Fiona AppleFiona Apple
Have you been a bad, bad girl? That was the tagline for this senseless sludge. They personally snail trail every apple so that they could “have the consumer feel her pain.” The only thing more painful than drinking this was actually realizing that she is a real person.

Clue HawaiianClue Hawaiian
Who done it? I did get a bootleg bottle of this and downed it in the observatory with Col. Mustard. Then the Peacock bitch tried to ice me with a candlestick. It’s always that peacock bitch. Luckily I had all the other weapons. Yeah, it’s pretty much the same shit as the Blue Hawaiian. That’s bullshit, man.

Wild Island of Dr

Wild Island of Dr. Moreau
This one got its name from that fact that when the testers first drank it they actually turned into weird dog lizard people. They pretty much just made kombucha. That’s right, guys. If you drink kombucha you will turn into a dog lizard. Half of you already are and you just don’t know yet. I’ve seen you, though.

 

 

 

About Matt Redbeard

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