Rejected Exit Surveys From Heaven’s Gate

Matt Redbeard, contributor



All I know is before I couldn’t stop banging. It was a constant. I would literally wake up inside of some sweet p every morning and literally blow (jerk off motion) at least 12 or 13 ropes, I mean pure ecstasy.

I had a big bushy beard and it alway reeked to high heaven of cocaine, dust off and pussy.

I had a safe full of gold coins and I would just jump into it and swim around a little.

It was so awful. I mean why would I live in pure ecstasy when I could cut my nards off and blast off with these lunatics.


I joined the group in 1984 when I was living in Arizona as a “drug dealer.” I use the quotations cause I don’t know what that means, well anyway I had just eaten a heroic dose of lavender acid that I got from a reptilian that I met in the Porta Potty at the Sedona Chili cook-off walk/run.

I had buried my body up to my neck in egg crates that I stole from the grocery store when person that looked just like me asked if I “liked Star Wars.”

I was all like, “Yeah,” and they were like, “Wanna kill yourself?” And I was all like, “Mmm, not really.” And they were all like, “Wanna cut your nuts off and listen to musicals all day in a mansion?”

And then the lavender kicked in and it’s been like this ever since. I miss my nuts.



Bark, bark. I just really like Garfield. My nuts were already chopped off.



I make the applesauce by casting Magic Apple Blast and roll one d20 plus 3 to constitution and add cinnamon and sugar.

I cut off my own balls.

About Matt Redbeard

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