The Rejected List of Names for the Anonymous Source “Deep Throat”

Chaz Logan Hyde, contributor

 

So I’ll put this out there to start — that this could easily become a long and egregious list of dick puns, longer than anyone should have to read to themselves in whatever bar you’re in, or out loud, flying spaghetti monster forbid. But with careful research and keystrokes, I’ll proceed to do my best.

 

Peep Goat

This is an odd one, it’s a lot like a rhyming shtick that I tend to do that comprises about 30% of the comedy I do on stage. However, think of it as a sneaky goat, listening from the bushes for vital information, or a goat made entirely of peeps, either way it was a quickly rejected code name.

 

Kola Superdeep Borehole

This must be some attempt at sourcing a location in reality that is… deep? The throat part really makes no appearance here, except that the hole is very much throat-sized, on like, an horse-sized level. Did I mention it was deep? Rejected!

 

Bass Clef

Now they must be making fun of the deep voice thing…

 

Chali 2na

They must really be trying to double down on that now…

 

James Earl T. Waits 2na

Ok, lets scroll down a bit before this gets unbearable.

 

Thomas, the Nosey Asshole

Now this is just plain rude, on a lot of levels. I mean, he was just trying to do a good job.

 

Dr. I have nothing better to do than eavesdrop

This is pretty long to be considered a code name, and I’m starting to sense a trend here…

 

Seriously, Mark, mind your own business

Hey, that’s his real name! You can’t do that!

 

Suckin’ on that diiiiiiick

I’m impressed, I thought something like this would have come… a lot sooner.

 

20,000 leagues under my chin

That just sounds like ANOTHER porno!!

 

Matt Damon

What the hell does HE have to do with this!?!?

 

By the way, Deep Throat’s real name was Mark Felt. He held his identity a close secret for 31 years, well into him developing dementia in his later years. When he was reminded that he was the one that broke Watergate, he didn’t know or believe it, because of the dementia. Did you forget I said that? Who am I? What is this I’m writing…?

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