Restaurant Review: Your Grandmother’s house

I didn’t want to write this review. Old people, frankly, creep me the shit out. They are what I know I will become after my looks, which is basically all I have skill-wise, fail me. I will look worse than your grandmother, even, because I spend so much time in the sun increasing the width and number of my moles and that shit adds up.

So, It was Thursday. I chose Thursday to eat there so your “Gram” wouldn’t make a big to-do, but I guess she didn’t get the memo. Probably because the memo was e-mailed and she uses the computer that your uncle gave her to hold her cat.

She made a big to-do.

I listened to her probably made up stories about the Korean War. Was she in the war? Just for my own personal knowledge, tell me. I’d like to know.

The spiral cut ham was delicious. She showed me how she cut it. She put her finger in the air and spiraled it downward in a cutting fashion. I thought it was excessive information, but old people are kooky.

She ate very slowly. Very, very slowly. She left some creamed corn on her chin for what seemed like an eternity before she dabbed it off with a cloth napkin. CLOTH NAPKINS! Your family must have money.

The musty smell of your “Gram’s” house was on the homey side, and not on the Humboldt bachelor side, so that was nice. The cat hair was minimal. Was that cat alive? It was still on the computer when I left.

Before I did leave, though, I put my Iowa State hat on her and taught her how to shakah. I made her sign a release form, then I told her she was like a grandmother to me. I was lying, but her ham was pretty great.

Your grandma is my new friend and she’ll probably leave me her money. I’ll take you to Subway to celebrate! We’ll review Subway together!

6 cats out of 7 cats on a computer

 

About Sarah Godlin

Sarah Godlin, one of the creators of Savage Henry, lives in the heart of Humboldt County, California. She has a bit of a Napoleon Complex, but all in all is a hell of a gal. She's responsible for the fold-in's, Catty Mean Girl, the Monthly Confessions, The parental Warning, many features and a grip of the other funny that make Savage Henry so great. She also wrangles writers. If you think you're a funny writer, get a hold of her. She can loud whistle, play harmonica and back a trailer into a tight space. She's a lefty and a Clippers fan. She's also a Raiders fan but don't hold that against her, she enjoys winning just as much as the next person. You can follow her on Twitter! twitter.com/bloglin You can send her emails! godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com You can send her presents! http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/f2aa/ 791 8th Street, Suite 5 Arcata, Ca 95521

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